1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 2 00:01:09,436 --> 00:01:11,928 The thing that alarms me the most about this whole thing 3 00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,938 is that our reports from Europe indicate 4 00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:17,907 there are three different groups of foreign agents operating in our country, 5 00:01:18,044 --> 00:01:20,741 one from England, one from Russia and one from Spain. 6 00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:23,849 They think the United States government is involved with this? 7 00:01:23,982 --> 00:01:26,110 - Obviously. - Involved in what? 8 00:01:26,251 --> 00:01:27,650 I didn't catch the problem. 9 00:01:27,786 --> 00:01:31,154 The problem is the people on the thrones of England, Russia and Spain 10 00:01:31,289 --> 00:01:35,192 are not Queen Victoria, the czar or the king of Spain. 11 00:01:35,327 --> 00:01:37,295 - Well, who are they? - lmpostors. 12 00:01:37,429 --> 00:01:40,398 lmpostors who look so much like their real counterparts 13 00:01:40,531 --> 00:01:42,966 that no one has dared even launch an investigation. 14 00:01:43,100 --> 00:01:44,828 Where are the real monarchs supposed to be? 15 00:01:44,968 --> 00:01:47,403 Somewhere in the United States. 16 00:01:47,537 --> 00:01:49,596 I know, it sounds incredible, 17 00:01:49,739 --> 00:01:52,902 but we've gotten the same report from three of our best agents in Europe. 18 00:01:53,042 --> 00:01:56,410 - We can't ignore it. - It sounds crazy to me. 19 00:01:56,546 --> 00:01:57,774 Hugo, will you shut up? 20 00:01:57,913 --> 00:01:59,573 The only reason you're at this meeting 21 00:01:59,714 --> 00:02:02,581 is because I want you to pick up my laundry. 22 00:02:02,717 --> 00:02:05,243 Well, Henry, Joseph, you've heard my plan. 23 00:02:05,386 --> 00:02:06,945 What do you think of it? 24 00:02:07,088 --> 00:02:08,783 Considering the facts, or the lack of them, 25 00:02:08,923 --> 00:02:10,447 it makes a certain amount of sense. 26 00:02:10,590 --> 00:02:12,887 If we can talk them into coming out of retirement. 27 00:02:13,025 --> 00:02:16,552 I've managed to keep track ofthem. 28 00:02:16,695 --> 00:02:21,690 Jim West has been living in the town of Tecate, Mexico, ever since he retired. 29 00:02:21,834 --> 00:02:25,827 Artemus Gordon for the last six months has been with a traveling tent show 30 00:02:25,970 --> 00:02:30,134 called the Deadwood Shakespearean Strolling Players, 31 00:02:30,274 --> 00:02:31,833 with assorted jugglers, fire-eaters, 32 00:02:31,976 --> 00:02:36,379 and three, count them, three beautiful live girls, 33 00:02:36,514 --> 00:02:40,576 as opposed, I guess, to three ugly dead girls. 34 00:02:40,718 --> 00:02:44,780 Check their itinerary. I want West and Gordon on this. 35 00:02:44,922 --> 00:02:46,412 You leave for Mexico tonight. 36 00:02:46,557 --> 00:02:50,721 Am I to understand, sir, that you're going to bring a couple of over-aged, 37 00:02:50,862 --> 00:02:54,628 out-of-shape ex-agents out of retirement to handle this case 38 00:02:54,766 --> 00:02:58,134 when the service is full of young, deserving agents who... 39 00:02:58,269 --> 00:03:01,170 who've just been spoiling at a chance to prove themselves? 40 00:03:01,305 --> 00:03:03,273 Mexico, tonight. 41 00:03:03,408 --> 00:03:07,140 - Yes, sir, but ifl may add, sir... - You may not. 42 00:03:12,784 --> 00:03:15,685 How did he get in the secret service? 43 00:03:15,820 --> 00:03:17,788 He's your wife's nephew, sir. 44 00:03:17,922 --> 00:03:21,619 I thought we had a gentlemen's agreement never to mention that. 45 00:03:22,793 --> 00:03:26,161 Uncle Bob, ifl go to Mexico, I won't be able to pick up your laundry. 46 00:03:26,830 --> 00:03:28,320 Out! 47 00:04:26,223 --> 00:04:28,282 [LIVELY MUSIC] 48 00:04:57,053 --> 00:05:00,387 Jesus! Quit chasing your sister! 49 00:05:00,524 --> 00:05:02,515 [REPEATS IN SPANISH] 50 00:05:03,959 --> 00:05:05,950 JESUS: Si, sefior, papa. 51 00:05:07,596 --> 00:05:10,691 Rufina! Quit teasing your brother! 52 00:05:10,833 --> 00:05:12,460 [REPEATS IN SPANISH] 53 00:05:15,704 --> 00:05:17,695 - [GUNSHOTS] - [SCREAMING] 54 00:05:40,429 --> 00:05:42,124 [SPEAKS SPANISH] 55 00:05:44,900 --> 00:05:46,527 [WOMAN SHRIEKS] 56 00:05:54,543 --> 00:05:57,944 Con permiso, sefior, this is my woman. 57 00:05:58,079 --> 00:06:00,776 No, sefior, that is your woman. 58 00:06:01,950 --> 00:06:07,354 That is my woman, that is my woman, that is my woman and that is my woman. 59 00:06:07,488 --> 00:06:10,389 Four women is too much for one man, sefior. 60 00:06:10,525 --> 00:06:13,153 Some men, four is barely enough. 61 00:06:13,294 --> 00:06:16,389 Bueno, pues, I borrow this one for a few minutes, eh? 62 00:06:16,531 --> 00:06:18,021 [SPEAKS SPANISH] 63 00:07:16,658 --> 00:07:20,390 One highly trained man against four ignorant peasants? 64 00:07:20,528 --> 00:07:23,589 You should have concluded that in halfthe time, Mr. West. 65 00:07:31,072 --> 00:07:32,062 Who are you? 66 00:07:32,206 --> 00:07:36,006 Hugo Kaufman, United States Secret Service. 67 00:07:36,144 --> 00:07:38,340 What do you mean, ignorant peasants? 68 00:07:38,479 --> 00:07:41,176 Those men are bandits, ruthless killers. 69 00:07:42,383 --> 00:07:45,182 If you say so, Mr. West. 70 00:07:45,320 --> 00:07:47,344 I suppose you could have handled it better? 71 00:07:48,755 --> 00:07:50,154 No reflection on you, sir, 72 00:07:50,290 --> 00:07:53,726 but I do imagine that our training program in the old days 73 00:07:53,860 --> 00:07:56,522 was a bit less thorough than it is today. 74 00:07:56,663 --> 00:07:58,255 What... What was your name again? 75 00:07:58,397 --> 00:08:00,388 Hugo Kaufman. 76 00:08:03,069 --> 00:08:05,800 I can see you and l aren't going to get along at all, Hugo. 77 00:08:05,938 --> 00:08:08,168 To be quite frank with you, Mr. West, 78 00:08:08,307 --> 00:08:11,242 I thought the scheme to be a bit wild and impractical myself. 79 00:08:11,377 --> 00:08:12,401 Why was that? 80 00:08:12,545 --> 00:08:16,778 Well, to revive a couple of over-age, sagging retirees 81 00:08:16,916 --> 00:08:20,079 when the department is full of young, vigorous agents... 82 00:08:20,219 --> 00:08:22,984 - But Uncle Bob felt that... - Who? 83 00:08:23,122 --> 00:08:25,146 I meant to say Robert T Malone, 84 00:08:25,290 --> 00:08:27,156 the new head ofthe secret service, felt that... 85 00:08:27,292 --> 00:08:30,785 Skinny Malone is the new head of the secret service? 86 00:08:31,629 --> 00:08:33,825 I believe I said Robert T Malone. 87 00:08:33,965 --> 00:08:35,956 [LAUGHS] 88 00:08:37,535 --> 00:08:38,661 That's Skinny! 89 00:08:38,803 --> 00:08:43,900 Hugo, when I retired, they wouldn't even let him out alone at night. 90 00:08:44,042 --> 00:08:46,409 [LAUGHS] 91 00:08:46,544 --> 00:08:48,171 Then am | to report to Director Malone 92 00:08:48,313 --> 00:08:49,973 that you've turned down this assignment? 93 00:08:50,114 --> 00:08:51,582 Hugo, sit down. 94 00:08:56,387 --> 00:09:01,325 Why does Skinny think that Artemus and l are right for this assignment? 95 00:09:02,259 --> 00:09:04,489 I'm sure I don't know, Mr. West, 96 00:09:04,628 --> 00:09:09,293 unless... unless it's because they feel 97 00:09:09,433 --> 00:09:11,765 that Dr. Michelito Loveless is behind all ofthis. 98 00:09:11,902 --> 00:09:14,269 I believe you two had some experiences with him. 99 00:09:14,405 --> 00:09:16,601 Oh, we had some experiences. 100 00:09:16,740 --> 00:09:19,869 But I happen to know that Michelito Loveless has been dead for five years. 101 00:09:20,010 --> 00:09:22,034 Well, evidently you didn't know 102 00:09:22,178 --> 00:09:24,806 that he had a son, Michelito Loveless Junior. 103 00:09:24,947 --> 00:09:29,976 Of course I know that he had a son. I've known him since he was that big. 104 00:09:30,119 --> 00:09:32,349 He's still that big. 105 00:09:35,124 --> 00:09:37,821 Another Michelito Loveless loose in the world... 106 00:09:40,062 --> 00:09:41,552 Is he as ruthless as his father? 107 00:09:42,831 --> 00:09:44,195 More ruthless. 108 00:09:47,300 --> 00:09:50,395 I don't know if I wanna work with Artemus Gordon again. I'm mad at him. 109 00:09:50,537 --> 00:09:52,335 About what? 110 00:09:52,472 --> 00:09:55,772 I can't remember, but I remember that I am mad at him. 111 00:09:57,276 --> 00:09:59,108 You realize, of course, that Artemus and l 112 00:09:59,244 --> 00:10:01,508 report directly to the president ofthe United States 113 00:10:01,647 --> 00:10:04,082 and only to the president of the United States. 114 00:10:04,216 --> 00:10:06,184 I'm afraid that won't be possible this time. 115 00:10:06,318 --> 00:10:08,309 Why not? 116 00:10:09,821 --> 00:10:12,290 Because we're not absolutely sure 117 00:10:12,423 --> 00:10:16,360 that the man in the White House really is President Cleveland. 118 00:10:20,565 --> 00:10:22,659 We'll get right on it. 119 00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:24,564 - Can you speak for Gordon? - Yes, I can. 120 00:10:25,903 --> 00:10:28,167 In that case, Skinny asked me to get... 121 00:10:28,306 --> 00:10:30,330 [CLEARS THROAT] Uncle Bob said that if I... 122 00:10:30,474 --> 00:10:33,637 [CLEARS THROAT] Director Malone asked me to give you this. 123 00:10:33,777 --> 00:10:36,074 He said it was self-explanatory. 124 00:10:36,212 --> 00:10:37,543 We'll need our train again. 125 00:10:38,981 --> 00:10:41,973 [SIGHS] Mr. West, we located your train on a siding near Kansas City, 126 00:10:42,118 --> 00:10:45,951 where it also happens that Artemus Gordon is appearing this week. 127 00:10:48,156 --> 00:10:50,523 Uncle Bob, huh? 128 00:10:50,658 --> 00:10:52,649 Well, that explains a lot ofthings. 129 00:10:54,529 --> 00:10:56,520 Goodbye, Mr. West. 130 00:11:05,106 --> 00:11:06,470 Sagging. 131 00:11:21,722 --> 00:11:23,382 ARTEMUS: Come out of retirement? 132 00:11:23,523 --> 00:11:25,617 And give up all this? 133 00:11:25,758 --> 00:11:28,318 Huh! You must be mad. 134 00:11:28,461 --> 00:11:31,726 Artie, look, can't we discuss this in private? 135 00:11:31,864 --> 00:11:36,324 - Let's go to your dressing room. - This is my dressing room. 136 00:11:36,469 --> 00:11:37,629 Oh. 137 00:11:37,769 --> 00:11:40,295 Besides, why would I wanna go to work with you again 138 00:11:40,438 --> 00:11:42,805 after the dirty trick you did me? 139 00:11:42,941 --> 00:11:44,909 - What dirty trick? - I don't remember. 140 00:11:45,043 --> 00:11:47,808 | just remember it was dirty, that's all. 141 00:11:47,946 --> 00:11:51,347 Come on, Artie, we can probably wind this thing up in a couple of weeks. 142 00:11:51,482 --> 00:11:53,177 We might just have some fun. 143 00:11:53,317 --> 00:11:55,376 Yes, we might also get ourselves killed. 144 00:11:55,519 --> 00:11:59,285 It can't be any more dangerous than walking out on that stage every night. 145 00:11:59,423 --> 00:12:01,151 - James... - Honey, sweet desire. 146 00:12:01,291 --> 00:12:03,521 Can't we go out tonight, please? 147 00:12:03,660 --> 00:12:06,527 And you can bring him along too. 148 00:12:06,663 --> 00:12:08,654 And I'll get a girl for you. 149 00:12:12,001 --> 00:12:13,992 That does it. 150 00:12:17,473 --> 00:12:19,942 I'm ready. Let's go. 151 00:12:20,076 --> 00:12:22,807 Sweet desire? Artie. 152 00:12:32,689 --> 00:12:34,885 Gordon. 153 00:12:35,024 --> 00:12:38,517 Your act is the worst I've ever seen on any stage. 154 00:12:38,661 --> 00:12:41,187 I'm sick of you messing up my show. 155 00:12:41,331 --> 00:12:43,355 You're fired. 156 00:12:44,466 --> 00:12:47,902 - Mr. Deadwood... - Artie, that's my department. 157 00:12:58,814 --> 00:13:01,374 You been sick or something? 158 00:13:01,516 --> 00:13:03,040 No. Why? 159 00:13:03,184 --> 00:13:06,017 You didn't knock that guy more than 12 feet. 160 00:13:06,153 --> 00:13:07,881 I'm afraid all those years of soft living 161 00:13:08,021 --> 00:13:10,581 has dulled the edge of your skills. 162 00:13:10,724 --> 00:13:13,284 Well, don't you worry. From here on out, I take over your training. 163 00:13:13,426 --> 00:13:18,387 And one month from now you'll either be in top shape or two weeks' dead. 164 00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:23,860 [TRAIN HOOTER BLARES] 165 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,667 42, 43... 166 00:14:01,808 --> 00:14:04,800 Now, wait a minute. Hold it, hold it, hold it. Hold it. 167 00:14:04,944 --> 00:14:07,038 Do it all over again from the beginning. 168 00:14:09,149 --> 00:14:10,207 Go. 169 00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:17,120 One... two, three, four, five, six... 170 00:14:19,124 --> 00:14:20,284 nine, ten... 171 00:14:39,043 --> 00:14:41,034 17... 172 00:14:43,648 --> 00:14:45,639 18... 173 00:14:49,020 --> 00:14:50,248 19... 174 00:15:08,972 --> 00:15:11,133 You're doing fine! 175 00:15:11,273 --> 00:15:14,208 Just a little bit weak in the sprints! 176 00:15:14,343 --> 00:15:17,870 I'll have the engineer speed up the next five miles. 177 00:15:18,013 --> 00:15:19,845 [TRAIN HOOTER BLARES] 178 00:15:19,982 --> 00:15:24,180 Artie, I hope you're not wearing yourself out pulling on that rope. 179 00:15:24,320 --> 00:15:29,224 Save your breath. The last four miles are uphill. 180 00:16:18,007 --> 00:16:21,068 Skinny sure hasn't given us a whole lot to go on, has he? 181 00:16:22,778 --> 00:16:24,769 All he had to go on, I guess. 182 00:16:26,449 --> 00:16:28,746 How did they figure anyone could come up with substitutes 183 00:16:28,883 --> 00:16:31,580 identical enough to fool whole nations of people? 184 00:16:32,520 --> 00:16:35,581 Michelito Senior used to dabble in that department, remember, Artie? 185 00:16:35,723 --> 00:16:38,556 Yeah. Surgery, facial surgery. 186 00:16:38,693 --> 00:16:40,990 Never good enough to try anything this big. 187 00:16:43,997 --> 00:16:47,365 Maybe Michelito Junior picked up where Michelito Senior left off, 188 00:16:47,501 --> 00:16:49,492 with a few improvements of his own. 189 00:16:49,636 --> 00:16:51,296 Yeah. 190 00:16:52,305 --> 00:16:55,172 Wagon Gap, Arizona? 191 00:16:55,308 --> 00:16:57,777 Why are we going to Wagon Gap, Arizona? 192 00:16:57,910 --> 00:17:00,879 It's all in there. That's the last place that Junior was seen. 193 00:17:01,012 --> 00:17:03,605 Now, our instructions are we're supposed to go to the Mint Saloon 194 00:17:03,747 --> 00:17:05,146 and wait and see what happens. 195 00:17:05,282 --> 00:17:07,216 Jim, tell me the truth. 196 00:17:07,351 --> 00:17:09,512 Did you ever think that Skinny Malone had brains enough 197 00:17:09,652 --> 00:17:11,211 to get this high in the service? 198 00:17:11,354 --> 00:17:16,952 Artemus, at no time did I ever think that Skinny Malone had brains. 199 00:17:17,093 --> 00:17:18,821 [LAUGHS] 200 00:17:18,961 --> 00:17:21,953 [HOOTER BLARES] 201 00:18:22,925 --> 00:18:24,723 Mr. West? 202 00:18:25,927 --> 00:18:27,395 So it finally happens. 203 00:18:28,963 --> 00:18:30,727 What finally happens, young man? 204 00:18:30,865 --> 00:18:34,028 I've been looking all over the west for you, 205 00:18:34,168 --> 00:18:36,329 ever since I was old enough to lift a gun. 206 00:18:36,469 --> 00:18:38,699 Now, why would you be doing that, son? 207 00:18:38,838 --> 00:18:42,706 Because I knew someday l'd run into you and get you for killing my pa. 208 00:18:42,842 --> 00:18:45,209 You stay right where you are, mister. 209 00:18:45,345 --> 00:18:47,814 I think it's only fair to warn you, Mr. West, 210 00:18:47,948 --> 00:18:51,282 that I ain't done nothing much in my life except practice for this minute. 211 00:18:51,418 --> 00:18:53,078 You got the wrong man. 212 00:18:53,218 --> 00:18:56,210 Oh, Mr. West, l was just a kid, 213 00:18:57,456 --> 00:19:00,187 but I was standing right there when you killed my pa, 214 00:19:00,326 --> 00:19:02,317 and I'll never forget your face. 215 00:19:04,096 --> 00:19:07,031 - Now, when I count to four... - BOTH: Four? 216 00:19:07,166 --> 00:19:10,033 ...we're gonna go for our guns, 217 00:19:10,169 --> 00:19:14,697 and if you don't go for yours, well, that's your tough luck. 218 00:19:15,741 --> 00:19:18,870 One... two... 219 00:19:20,045 --> 00:19:21,911 three... four! 220 00:19:24,248 --> 00:19:26,615 I draw with either hand. 221 00:19:28,686 --> 00:19:30,210 lfigured you might. 222 00:19:33,423 --> 00:19:35,050 I'll never stop till I get you. 223 00:19:36,026 --> 00:19:37,460 What was your pa's name, son? 224 00:19:38,795 --> 00:19:39,887 Miller Jason. 225 00:19:41,698 --> 00:19:42,926 Get those wrists taken care of. 226 00:19:43,065 --> 00:19:45,727 If you want your guns, you can pick up in the saloon after we've left. 227 00:19:45,868 --> 00:19:47,859 Now, get out of here. 228 00:19:52,074 --> 00:19:54,065 Why didn't you go for your guns? 229 00:19:56,345 --> 00:19:58,336 Cos I knew you'd think of something. 230 00:20:01,717 --> 00:20:03,708 Did you ever know his father? 231 00:20:05,020 --> 00:20:07,682 He was killed in a raid a bunch of us made about ten years ago. 232 00:20:07,822 --> 00:20:10,484 I didn't kill his father, but I knew the kid would never believe that. 233 00:20:10,625 --> 00:20:12,616 - Well, who did? - You did. 234 00:20:15,729 --> 00:20:17,720 [LIVELY CAN-CAN MUSIC] 235 00:21:09,550 --> 00:21:10,642 Will you take care of these? 236 00:21:10,784 --> 00:21:12,775 Two beers. 237 00:21:37,110 --> 00:21:39,101 Oh, great! 238 00:21:46,219 --> 00:21:48,210 Hey, Jim. 239 00:21:51,057 --> 00:21:52,923 - That's hot and heavy work, isn't it? - Uh-huh. 240 00:21:53,059 --> 00:21:55,050 Aren't you a little young to be in a place like this? 241 00:21:55,194 --> 00:21:56,628 No. 242 00:21:56,763 --> 00:21:58,423 I guess all girls in general 243 00:21:58,563 --> 00:22:00,724 are just beginning to look younger and younger to me. 244 00:22:00,865 --> 00:22:02,856 You really don't remember me, do you, Jim? 245 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:05,024 Course I remember you. How could I forget? 246 00:22:05,168 --> 00:22:10,368 You were, uh, very fond of me at one time, or at least you said you were. 247 00:22:10,507 --> 00:22:12,167 Well, I can see why I would be. 248 00:22:12,307 --> 00:22:15,332 You used to take me all kinds of places. 249 00:22:16,377 --> 00:22:18,004 | used to take you all kinds of places? 250 00:22:19,814 --> 00:22:21,908 Well, then, how could I ever forget you? 251 00:22:22,049 --> 00:22:23,573 I don't care how many years have passed. 252 00:22:23,717 --> 00:22:26,778 Well, evidently you have. 253 00:22:28,388 --> 00:22:31,050 All right, I surrender. 254 00:22:31,191 --> 00:22:33,387 Do you remember Jennifer Jackson? 255 00:22:34,294 --> 00:22:38,287 - l was very much in love with her. - I know. She's my mother. 256 00:22:39,298 --> 00:22:41,289 - Your mother? - Uh-huh. 257 00:22:44,703 --> 00:22:48,435 - I'm gonna be sick. - [LAUGHS] 258 00:22:49,275 --> 00:22:51,607 - You're little Gabby? - Yes. 259 00:22:51,744 --> 00:22:53,610 I'm gonna be very sick. 260 00:22:54,413 --> 00:22:55,777 Well, what's the matter? 261 00:22:55,914 --> 00:22:59,976 l was gonna invite you to dinner, among other things. 262 00:23:00,118 --> 00:23:02,279 Great. | get off at six. 263 00:23:02,419 --> 00:23:04,547 No, no. No, I couldn't. 264 00:23:05,422 --> 00:23:08,084 - Why not? - No, no, really, I couldn't. 265 00:23:08,225 --> 00:23:09,920 It wouldn't be... It wouldn't be decent. 266 00:23:10,060 --> 00:23:13,121 Listen, you'll feel better when you get used to the idea. 267 00:23:13,263 --> 00:23:16,597 Uh, I'll be back in a little while. 268 00:23:16,733 --> 00:23:18,724 [CHUCKLES] 269 00:23:19,603 --> 00:23:20,695 [SIGHS] 270 00:23:20,838 --> 00:23:23,398 Makes you feel a thousand years old, doesn't it? 271 00:23:25,575 --> 00:23:27,872 You realize you've got ties older than her? 272 00:23:29,844 --> 00:23:32,836 - I need a real drink. - Good idea. l'll join you. 273 00:23:32,980 --> 00:23:34,971 - Two whiskeys. - Same for me. 274 00:23:48,729 --> 00:23:50,720 There you go. 275 00:23:51,699 --> 00:23:53,690 The joys of growing old. 276 00:24:03,744 --> 00:24:07,772 How long are we supposed to wait round here before something happens? 277 00:24:07,915 --> 00:24:09,906 Not long, I imagine. 278 00:24:31,138 --> 00:24:32,162 It's all right, fellas. 279 00:24:32,306 --> 00:24:34,741 Just some eastern dudes couldn't handle our western whiskey. 280 00:24:34,875 --> 00:24:35,865 [LAUGHTER] 281 00:24:36,010 --> 00:24:37,808 Drinks are on the house! 282 00:25:55,522 --> 00:25:57,286 [MAN LAUGHS] 283 00:25:59,226 --> 00:26:01,661 Come in, gentlemen. Come in, come in, come in, come in. 284 00:26:01,795 --> 00:26:03,786 [CHUCKLES] 285 00:26:09,003 --> 00:26:12,530 I don't... I don't believe you've met my sister Carmelita. 286 00:26:13,974 --> 00:26:17,137 Tell me, Mr. West, how is your family in Mexico? 287 00:26:17,277 --> 00:26:20,440 It must have been... painful to leave them. 288 00:26:20,581 --> 00:26:23,778 Mr. Gordon, how is your theatrical career? 289 00:26:24,952 --> 00:26:29,822 You know, you'll never be as famous as John Wilkes Booth, or as good. 290 00:26:29,957 --> 00:26:31,755 [CHUCKLES] 291 00:26:31,892 --> 00:26:34,884 Oh, you see, I've kept track of the two of you ever since my father died 292 00:26:35,029 --> 00:26:39,660 and left me this tiny but exquisitely powerful empire. 293 00:26:39,800 --> 00:26:41,234 I've known where you were. 294 00:26:41,368 --> 00:26:45,134 I could have had you killed at any time, any day, any minute. 295 00:26:45,272 --> 00:26:47,934 But, no, I thought something special 296 00:26:48,075 --> 00:26:51,409 for the two men who drove my father to an early grave. 297 00:26:52,980 --> 00:26:54,004 How did we do that? 298 00:26:56,016 --> 00:26:59,816 My father died of ulcers, 299 00:26:59,953 --> 00:27:03,514 ulcers brought on by the two of you constantly interfering with his plans! 300 00:27:03,657 --> 00:27:07,116 Our father was the greatest man in the world. 301 00:27:07,261 --> 00:27:13,064 He was the greatest man who ever lived, till I was born, of course. 302 00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:17,228 Father had one tiny tragic flaw in his character. 303 00:27:19,673 --> 00:27:21,037 And what was the flaw, you ask? 304 00:27:21,174 --> 00:27:24,940 All right, I'll ask. What was that flaw? 305 00:27:25,078 --> 00:27:28,742 It was a streak of mercy running through his soul 306 00:27:28,881 --> 00:27:31,646 which neither my sister or I possess. 307 00:27:32,752 --> 00:27:34,116 [CHUCKLES] 308 00:27:34,252 --> 00:27:37,347 Did you know Michelito Loveless had a streak of mercy? 309 00:27:37,489 --> 00:27:38,547 Silence! 310 00:27:42,294 --> 00:27:46,322 Carmelita, let's show Mr. West and Mr. Gordon 311 00:27:46,465 --> 00:27:48,957 what they're up against this time. 312 00:28:15,393 --> 00:28:18,522 Gentlemen, this is Sonya and Alan. 313 00:28:18,997 --> 00:28:22,830 [CLICKING] 314 00:28:28,372 --> 00:28:31,672 Sonya and Alan are two of the most extraordinary people 315 00:28:31,809 --> 00:28:34,369 the world will ever see. 316 00:28:34,512 --> 00:28:38,209 But you don't know what I'm talking about, do you? Sonya, Alan. 317 00:28:59,202 --> 00:29:01,762 Sonya, demonstrate. 318 00:29:06,609 --> 00:29:08,941 Try to get up, Mr. West. 319 00:29:09,612 --> 00:29:11,909 [CHUCKLES] 320 00:29:12,047 --> 00:29:15,448 Alan, not to forget Mr. Gordon. 321 00:29:38,940 --> 00:29:40,168 Alan, that's enough. 322 00:29:40,307 --> 00:29:44,073 This is a demonstration, not an execution... not yet. 323 00:29:44,211 --> 00:29:46,680 And now the explanation. 324 00:29:46,813 --> 00:29:51,148 I call Sonya and Alan my 600-dollar people. 325 00:29:51,918 --> 00:29:54,353 Why do I call them my 600-dollar people? 326 00:29:54,487 --> 00:29:59,322 Because that's what it cost to build them: 600 dollars. 327 00:30:00,359 --> 00:30:03,818 609 dollars, if you must know the truth. 328 00:30:03,963 --> 00:30:07,399 Alan and Sonya are both quadruple amputees. 329 00:30:07,533 --> 00:30:09,627 l have designed new arms and legs for them 330 00:30:09,768 --> 00:30:12,669 that are a hundred years ahead oftheir time 331 00:30:12,805 --> 00:30:14,933 through the clever use of pulleys and leverage. 332 00:30:15,074 --> 00:30:18,475 They're the strongest and the fastest people in the world. 333 00:30:18,610 --> 00:30:20,044 Why, the implications are obvious. 334 00:30:20,178 --> 00:30:24,011 lfl can build two 600-dollar people, I can build an army ofthem. 335 00:30:24,147 --> 00:30:26,878 As a matter of fact, the cost should come down through mass production. 336 00:30:27,017 --> 00:30:30,544 You two look intelligent. Are you going along with this crackpot? 337 00:30:30,687 --> 00:30:31,950 Silence! 338 00:30:33,657 --> 00:30:36,991 I will not have my authority undermined by strangers! 339 00:30:37,127 --> 00:30:39,186 Besides, we have a little tour to take right now. 340 00:30:39,329 --> 00:30:41,057 Have you fully recovered, Mr. Gordon? 341 00:30:41,197 --> 00:30:44,724 I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. 342 00:30:45,835 --> 00:30:49,236 Good. Then let's be on with it. 343 00:30:55,175 --> 00:30:57,166 Follow me! 344 00:31:20,301 --> 00:31:23,270 You are about to meet the most distinguished group of people 345 00:31:23,403 --> 00:31:25,700 ever gathered in one dungeon. 346 00:31:25,837 --> 00:31:28,306 [SHOUTING] 347 00:31:28,440 --> 00:31:30,841 Silence! 348 00:31:32,511 --> 00:31:35,708 Czar Nicholas, czar of all the Russias. 349 00:31:35,847 --> 00:31:38,316 Her Royal Majesty, Queen Victoria of England. 350 00:31:38,450 --> 00:31:39,678 This is an outrage. 351 00:31:39,817 --> 00:31:42,514 King Alfonso de Espafia. 352 00:31:42,653 --> 00:31:47,181 Ustedes Io pagarén! Yo soy el rey de Espafia, Alfonso! 353 00:31:47,325 --> 00:31:48,383 Silencio! 354 00:31:50,427 --> 00:31:54,557 Grover Cleveland, president ofthe United States. 355 00:31:56,900 --> 00:31:58,924 Speechless, gentlemen? 356 00:31:59,068 --> 00:32:03,027 lfthese are the real monarchs, who's sitting on the thrones of Europe? 357 00:32:03,939 --> 00:32:10,140 Replicas, exact replicas, created by me, answerable only to me. 358 00:32:11,312 --> 00:32:16,546 So you see, Mr. West, I've already conquered most ofthe civilized world. 359 00:32:16,684 --> 00:32:20,052 I'll get around to the other parts as time permits. 360 00:32:21,688 --> 00:32:25,124 Tell the guards to take their Royal Majesties to Observation Hill. 361 00:32:25,258 --> 00:32:32,563 Mr. Gordon and Mr. West will join me for a sentimental journey. 362 00:32:32,699 --> 00:32:33,757 Follow me! 363 00:32:55,055 --> 00:32:57,023 I am sure that Mr. West and Mr. Gordon 364 00:32:57,157 --> 00:33:00,218 would like to pay their last respects to my father. 365 00:33:05,899 --> 00:33:10,132 Ah, Daddy would enjoy the sight of the two of you kneeling. 366 00:33:14,807 --> 00:33:18,744 Kneeling at the foot of his shrine. 367 00:33:18,878 --> 00:33:23,111 I promised you this, Daddy, and I delivered. 368 00:33:23,249 --> 00:33:26,879 If you're trying to contact your father, you're looking in the wrong direction. 369 00:33:27,019 --> 00:33:31,479 You know, I think you've missed two ofthe shrine's finer points. 370 00:33:38,931 --> 00:33:42,196 Daddy... Daddy would love being buried someplace 371 00:33:42,334 --> 00:33:46,327 where he could look down on you. 372 00:33:46,471 --> 00:33:48,565 But not yet. Not yet. 373 00:33:48,706 --> 00:33:51,003 Off to Observation Point. 374 00:34:08,625 --> 00:34:12,152 Your Majesties, Mr. President, 375 00:34:12,296 --> 00:34:16,324 what you are about to see is beyond your wildest imaginings. 376 00:34:16,467 --> 00:34:19,596 You will not believe your eyes. 377 00:34:19,736 --> 00:34:22,831 It's so pretty. 378 00:34:25,142 --> 00:34:27,668 After the demonstration, you will be given 20 minutes 379 00:34:27,811 --> 00:34:31,212 to write to your respective countries and demand an immediate surrender... 380 00:34:31,347 --> 00:34:32,337 ...to me. 381 00:34:32,482 --> 00:34:34,473 [SHOUTING] 382 00:34:34,617 --> 00:34:36,608 Silence! 383 00:34:37,353 --> 00:34:39,344 Now behold. 384 00:34:56,372 --> 00:34:57,896 [CHUCKLES] 385 00:34:58,039 --> 00:34:59,939 Isn't that incredible? 386 00:35:00,075 --> 00:35:03,136 Always the same damn mushroom cloud. 387 00:35:06,615 --> 00:35:09,949 Seven, eight, nine, ten. 388 00:35:13,488 --> 00:35:15,479 Take them back to their cells! 389 00:35:15,624 --> 00:35:18,321 See to it they have plenty of writing paper! 390 00:35:18,460 --> 00:35:19,756 Get that thing off me! 391 00:35:19,894 --> 00:35:23,797 Gordon, West, you will rejoin me in the library. 392 00:35:26,634 --> 00:35:28,625 Que animal. 393 00:35:30,069 --> 00:35:31,264 Que animal. 394 00:35:53,192 --> 00:35:55,092 Well, Mr. West, Mr. Gordon, 395 00:35:55,228 --> 00:35:58,253 you still think there's anything or anyone that can stop me? 396 00:35:58,397 --> 00:36:00,627 From what? 397 00:36:00,766 --> 00:36:02,927 From dominating the world. 398 00:36:04,335 --> 00:36:06,326 Stay! 399 00:36:12,543 --> 00:36:16,138 Junior, you're crazier than your father ever was. 400 00:36:16,280 --> 00:36:20,012 Did it ever occur to you that my father was, and I am, completely sane, 401 00:36:20,151 --> 00:36:23,143 and the two of you and the rest of the world are mentally deficient? 402 00:36:23,287 --> 00:36:25,880 No, that never occurred to me. 403 00:36:27,123 --> 00:36:28,851 - Did it ever occur to you, Artie? - Never. 404 00:36:28,991 --> 00:36:31,926 Did it ever occur to you that my father was normal sized 405 00:36:32,061 --> 00:36:35,520 and the two of you might be throwbacks to caveman types? 406 00:36:35,664 --> 00:36:37,723 Now, that occurred to me. 407 00:36:39,234 --> 00:36:42,693 Well, enjoy yourself, Mr. Gordon. You have 30 days to live. 408 00:36:42,838 --> 00:36:47,332 - Hey, little man. - Little man? Little man?! 409 00:36:47,476 --> 00:36:50,877 lwill have you know that in my family lam a giant among the men! 410 00:36:51,012 --> 00:36:53,242 l towered over my father! 411 00:36:53,381 --> 00:36:57,078 - Well, who didn't? - Mommy didn't. 412 00:36:58,250 --> 00:37:00,651 l... I believe our distinguished guests 413 00:37:00,786 --> 00:37:04,017 should have their letters of surrender finished by now. 414 00:37:04,156 --> 00:37:08,354 You will take them to the... to the appropriate embassies. 415 00:37:08,494 --> 00:37:10,724 Junior, you're dreaming. 416 00:37:10,863 --> 00:37:13,924 Fools! ldiots! 417 00:37:14,066 --> 00:37:16,125 You saw the explosion. 418 00:37:16,268 --> 00:37:20,933 l have harnessed the very energy that is the source of our universe. 419 00:37:21,073 --> 00:37:23,770 But you still don't know anything about people, Junior. 420 00:37:26,879 --> 00:37:28,973 I know this much about people. 421 00:37:29,115 --> 00:37:33,780 They don't like to die. They're afraid. 422 00:37:36,288 --> 00:37:41,920 When they find out that l have one of my magnificent bombs 423 00:37:42,061 --> 00:37:45,086 planted in all the major cities of the world, 424 00:37:45,230 --> 00:37:49,098 in Rome, in Moscow, in London, 425 00:37:49,234 --> 00:37:54,536 they just might find the word "surrender" a bit more palatable. 426 00:37:55,473 --> 00:37:57,464 Sonya. 427 00:38:05,316 --> 00:38:07,307 Alan. 428 00:38:07,752 --> 00:38:10,084 The needle. 429 00:38:16,928 --> 00:38:18,327 Ah. 430 00:38:18,463 --> 00:38:21,488 When you awaken, you'll be on your train heading back to Washington, DC. 431 00:38:21,632 --> 00:38:24,863 Deliver your messages. Tell your people what you've seen. 432 00:38:25,002 --> 00:38:27,494 Remember, you must be back at the Mint Saloon in Wagon Gap 433 00:38:27,638 --> 00:38:30,767 by 12 midnight, June 13th. 434 00:38:30,908 --> 00:38:34,071 lrepeat, 12 midnight, June 13th. 435 00:38:34,211 --> 00:38:39,342 If not, a large eastern American city will disappear. 436 00:38:39,483 --> 00:38:42,111 [CHUCKLES] 437 00:38:48,258 --> 00:38:51,250 [TRAIN HOOTER BLARES] 438 00:39:24,828 --> 00:39:26,819 Artie? 439 00:39:31,568 --> 00:39:33,559 Artie? 440 00:39:39,642 --> 00:39:42,043 [GROANS] 441 00:39:45,782 --> 00:39:48,046 What's the matter with you? 442 00:39:48,184 --> 00:39:50,881 Artie, do you have any idea how we got here? 443 00:39:51,020 --> 00:39:53,853 How we got here? I don't even know where we've been. 444 00:39:53,990 --> 00:39:56,254 Artie, what was that explosive? 445 00:39:58,461 --> 00:40:01,658 James, there's nothing I know known to man 446 00:40:01,798 --> 00:40:03,789 that could possibly cause an explosion that size. 447 00:40:03,933 --> 00:40:07,233 I figure we had to be ten miles away from that blast. 448 00:40:07,370 --> 00:40:09,429 Yeah, about. 449 00:40:09,572 --> 00:40:12,439 Well, taking a quick triangulation in my head, 450 00:40:12,575 --> 00:40:16,170 I figure the area of total devastation was almost a mile, a mile and a half. 451 00:40:16,312 --> 00:40:20,078 No, no, Artie, it was bigger than that. It was probably... two miles. 452 00:40:20,216 --> 00:40:22,809 All right, two miles. 453 00:40:22,951 --> 00:40:26,319 The area of additional destruction had to go even beyond the area ofthe blast. 454 00:40:26,454 --> 00:40:29,253 Junior has himself a real winner. 455 00:40:29,391 --> 00:40:31,883 Listen, those 600-dollar people are no joke either. 456 00:40:32,027 --> 00:40:33,687 Artie, you could have handled Alan 457 00:40:33,828 --> 00:40:36,058 if you'd just remember some of the things I taught you. 458 00:40:36,197 --> 00:40:40,225 Even with the army and navy on my side, I could not have handled Alan. 459 00:40:40,367 --> 00:40:43,428 They're gonna ask for a written report. 460 00:40:43,571 --> 00:40:45,539 They're probably gonna want some suggestions too. 461 00:40:45,673 --> 00:40:47,539 Well, I got a suggestion. 462 00:40:50,276 --> 00:40:52,267 Surrender. 463 00:41:03,590 --> 00:41:06,423 The crowned heads of Europe and President Cleveland 464 00:41:06,559 --> 00:41:09,551 in iron cages somewhere in the Arizona desert? 465 00:41:09,696 --> 00:41:12,256 600-dollar people who can outrun a train 466 00:41:12,398 --> 00:41:14,799 and move mountains with their bare hands? 467 00:41:14,934 --> 00:41:18,268 One bomb that can destroy an entire city? 468 00:41:19,105 --> 00:41:21,073 Have you two started drinking in the morning? 469 00:41:21,207 --> 00:41:24,302 Skinny, we don't have all the time in the world to convince you. 470 00:41:24,444 --> 00:41:26,468 You said you'd been drugged. 471 00:41:26,612 --> 00:41:29,081 Did it ever occur to you that you were hallucinating? 472 00:41:29,214 --> 00:41:31,273 Both of us together? 473 00:41:31,416 --> 00:41:35,444 Hallucinating the same hallucinations at the same time? 474 00:41:35,587 --> 00:41:38,579 Would you like to see the bruises from my hallucinations? 475 00:41:38,724 --> 00:41:41,989 - How do you spell "hallucination"? - Quit taking notes, Hugo. 476 00:41:42,127 --> 00:41:44,061 I don't want any record ofthis meeting. 477 00:41:44,196 --> 00:41:47,257 How sure are you that you actually saw President Cleveland? 478 00:41:47,399 --> 00:41:50,061 More to the point, how sure are you that we didn't? 479 00:41:50,202 --> 00:41:52,330 Not very sure. 480 00:41:52,471 --> 00:41:54,495 This may seem a bit indelicate, 481 00:41:54,639 --> 00:41:59,201 but... ifthe man in the White House isn't President Cleveland, 482 00:41:59,343 --> 00:42:01,539 wouldn't Mrs. Cleveland know it? 483 00:42:01,679 --> 00:42:06,207 She was the first one to suspect, if you know what I mean, 484 00:42:06,350 --> 00:42:07,840 but even she isn't sure. 485 00:42:07,985 --> 00:42:11,285 He walks like President Cleveland, he talks like President Cleveland, 486 00:42:11,422 --> 00:42:14,881 he bumbles around ineptly like President Cleveland. 487 00:42:15,026 --> 00:42:17,427 Hugo, you write that down, I'll kill you. 488 00:42:17,561 --> 00:42:20,962 In your position, it's imperative you have a transcript of all ofthis, 489 00:42:21,097 --> 00:42:24,897 otherwise history mayjudge you insane, Uncle Bob. 490 00:42:25,035 --> 00:42:30,098 Hugo, don't ever mention our relationship again. 491 00:42:30,240 --> 00:42:33,141 No more Uncle Bob. 492 00:42:34,077 --> 00:42:36,478 Skinny, I wanna point out something to you. 493 00:42:36,613 --> 00:42:40,572 Junior said that he had planted a bomb in a large eastern city. 494 00:42:40,717 --> 00:42:42,947 He didn't say it wasn't Washington, DC. 495 00:42:43,086 --> 00:42:44,952 [CHUCKLES] 496 00:42:45,088 --> 00:42:48,489 l'd hardly consider Washington an eastern city. 497 00:42:48,624 --> 00:42:50,854 If you lived in Arizona, you would. 498 00:42:53,529 --> 00:42:56,692 - When did you wanna go back? - Right away. 499 00:42:56,832 --> 00:42:59,028 Wait until tomorrow morning. 500 00:42:59,168 --> 00:43:02,297 I wanna think about this and see how much of it I believe. 501 00:43:10,212 --> 00:43:13,011 - Skinny. - Yes? 502 00:43:13,148 --> 00:43:15,139 Believe. 503 00:43:24,760 --> 00:43:28,560 Well, Hugo, what's your evaluation? 504 00:43:28,697 --> 00:43:30,165 Senility. 505 00:43:30,299 --> 00:43:33,929 I've said right along what we needed was younger men on this assignment. 506 00:43:34,069 --> 00:43:36,504 Go to your office, Hugo. 507 00:43:37,573 --> 00:43:39,564 Yes, Uncle Bob. 508 00:43:45,047 --> 00:43:46,037 Creep. 509 00:43:53,655 --> 00:43:55,646 Capitol Hotel. 510 00:44:14,910 --> 00:44:17,470 "Have you two started drinking in the morning?" 511 00:44:18,247 --> 00:44:21,148 Skinny's sudden rise to the top's affected his mind. 512 00:44:21,283 --> 00:44:23,149 Well, it is kind of a wild story, you know. 513 00:44:23,285 --> 00:44:25,582 I don't know how much of it I believe myself. 514 00:44:29,557 --> 00:44:34,961 You know, Jim, staying over an extra day is gonna cut it awfully close 515 00:44:35,096 --> 00:44:37,531 if we have to be in Wagon Gap by the 13th. 516 00:44:39,067 --> 00:44:42,526 Maybe we won't wait for Skinny's permission to leave. 517 00:44:42,670 --> 00:44:45,298 Right. What's the worst that can happen to us? 518 00:44:45,440 --> 00:44:46,498 He'll fire us offthe job. 519 00:44:46,641 --> 00:44:48,665 Which we never asked for in the first place. 520 00:44:48,809 --> 00:44:50,573 Right. From here on out, we do it our own way. 521 00:44:50,710 --> 00:44:52,974 With no interference, Artie, from anyone. 522 00:45:10,297 --> 00:45:13,562 I'm sorry, gentlemen, but I am a stranger in a strange land 523 00:45:13,700 --> 00:45:15,428 and I must ask for your protection. 524 00:45:15,568 --> 00:45:18,593 - Well, of course. - Protection from what? 525 00:45:18,736 --> 00:45:21,103 Anything. Anything. It doesn't matter. 526 00:45:21,239 --> 00:45:26,871 On this very street in broad daylight, l was just accosted by three men. 527 00:45:27,011 --> 00:45:28,979 Only three? 528 00:45:29,114 --> 00:45:31,811 I would have thought half of Washington would have been after you. 529 00:45:33,118 --> 00:45:37,919 That's very gallant of you, but it was a terrifying experience. 530 00:45:41,526 --> 00:45:43,790 - I'm sorry. - Oh. 531 00:45:43,928 --> 00:45:46,056 I don't cry easily. 532 00:45:48,133 --> 00:45:52,400 I hope you don't consider this a breach of hospitality, gentlemen. 533 00:45:52,537 --> 00:45:54,232 I hope you realize, young lady, 534 00:45:54,372 --> 00:45:57,831 that effortlessly we could take that gun away from you and make you eat it. 535 00:45:57,976 --> 00:45:59,808 [FIRES GUN] 536 00:46:01,612 --> 00:46:06,550 If you don't mind the sight of your own blood, by all means, 537 00:46:06,683 --> 00:46:10,347 go right ahead and try to make me eat my gun, Mr. Gordon. 538 00:46:13,090 --> 00:46:15,582 Interested in my noiseless firearm, Mr. West? 539 00:46:15,726 --> 00:46:18,889 It's one ofthe latest developments of British Intelligence. 540 00:46:19,029 --> 00:46:23,990 - You're British Intelligence? - I think we've talked enough for now. 541 00:46:31,875 --> 00:46:35,276 Take her gun away from her and make her eat it, Artie? 542 00:46:58,801 --> 00:47:01,031 Ah, Mr. West, Mr. Gordon. 543 00:47:01,170 --> 00:47:04,195 Any difficulty, Penelope? 544 00:47:04,339 --> 00:47:08,606 Mr. West and Mr. Gordon seem unusually susceptible to a pretty face. 545 00:47:08,743 --> 00:47:12,407 MAN: Mmm. A weakness we'd never tolerate in any of our agents. 546 00:47:12,547 --> 00:47:15,346 I'm Captain Sir David Edney, British Intelligence. 547 00:47:15,483 --> 00:47:16,882 You've met Penelope. 548 00:47:17,018 --> 00:47:19,042 This morning you gentlemen delivered letters 549 00:47:19,186 --> 00:47:21,848 to the British, Russian and Spanish embassies. 550 00:47:21,989 --> 00:47:23,457 In the letter to the British embassy, 551 00:47:23,591 --> 00:47:27,152 purportedly written by Her Majesty, Queen Victoria, 552 00:47:27,294 --> 00:47:30,730 some mention was made ofthe immediate and unconditional surrender 553 00:47:30,864 --> 00:47:32,092 of the British empire. 554 00:47:32,232 --> 00:47:36,965 Now, usually we dismiss this sort of thing as the product of a deranged mind. 555 00:47:37,103 --> 00:47:39,800 However, in this case, I decided to confront you gentlemen 556 00:47:39,939 --> 00:47:41,771 and ask the simple question, 557 00:47:41,908 --> 00:47:43,672 "What in the hell are you people up to?" 558 00:47:45,712 --> 00:47:47,976 ls British Intelligence asking for the cooperation 559 00:47:48,114 --> 00:47:49,638 ofthe United States Secret Service? 560 00:47:49,781 --> 00:47:52,978 If so, your ambassador should contact our Secretary of State, 561 00:47:53,118 --> 00:47:55,644 who will contact our bureau head. 562 00:47:55,787 --> 00:47:58,449 We're not in the least bit interested in your cooperation. 563 00:47:58,590 --> 00:48:00,581 In matters that even remotely concern Her Majesty, 564 00:48:00,726 --> 00:48:04,287 we'd never involve a bunch of rustic, poorly trained colonials. 565 00:48:04,429 --> 00:48:06,397 Colonials? 566 00:48:06,531 --> 00:48:09,000 Didn't we win that war in 1776? 567 00:48:09,134 --> 00:48:12,661 Britain was occupied elsewhere in 1776. 568 00:48:12,804 --> 00:48:14,272 I think it's only fair to warn you 569 00:48:14,406 --> 00:48:17,341 I am not known for being the most patient of men. 570 00:48:17,476 --> 00:48:19,500 Neither is he. 571 00:48:19,644 --> 00:48:20,770 Window. 572 00:48:28,352 --> 00:48:29,979 Unbreakable glass. 573 00:48:34,325 --> 00:48:36,453 Another new invention of British Intelligence. 574 00:48:36,594 --> 00:48:39,461 Actually, we stole it from the Russians. 575 00:48:39,597 --> 00:48:43,363 That was crude, Mr. West, unbelievably crude. 576 00:48:43,501 --> 00:48:45,401 Listen, Sir Captain, or whatever your name is... 577 00:48:45,536 --> 00:48:47,630 Captain Sir David Edney. 578 00:48:47,772 --> 00:48:53,142 Sir David, our two countries, no, the entire world, is facing a threat 579 00:48:53,277 --> 00:48:55,371 you can't even imagine the boundaries of. 580 00:48:56,380 --> 00:48:58,246 I am waiting for you to tell me. 581 00:48:58,382 --> 00:49:01,875 Oh, then, you're willing to exchange information and start cooperating. 582 00:49:02,019 --> 00:49:04,920 Hardly, Mr. Gordon. It's a bit more of a one-way street than that. 583 00:49:05,056 --> 00:49:07,150 We want to know what you know, 584 00:49:07,291 --> 00:49:10,192 but what we know is privileged information. 585 00:49:10,328 --> 00:49:11,727 It won't work that way. 586 00:49:12,830 --> 00:49:15,322 That is exactly how it's going to work. 587 00:49:16,734 --> 00:49:20,329 Sir David, we don't have time to play these foreign agent games. 588 00:49:20,471 --> 00:49:22,838 Up against some sort of a deadline, Mr. West? 589 00:49:22,973 --> 00:49:25,635 Yes. And so are you, if you only knew it. 590 00:49:25,776 --> 00:49:29,269 - Well, would you care to tell me? - We'll tell you nothing. 591 00:49:29,413 --> 00:49:32,144 You people come around here, start messing around with our country 592 00:49:32,283 --> 00:49:33,614 like you still owned it. 593 00:49:33,751 --> 00:49:34,843 Forget it. 594 00:49:34,985 --> 00:49:37,044 - I couldn't have said it better myself. - Thank you. 595 00:49:39,557 --> 00:49:41,787 Take these gentlemen to our special guestroom. 596 00:49:51,102 --> 00:49:54,436 The next king of England could be a little fella about that big. 597 00:49:56,907 --> 00:49:59,376 I rather liked Mr. Gordon. 598 00:49:59,510 --> 00:50:02,673 A little fella about that big. 599 00:50:02,813 --> 00:50:06,646 Then they have made contact with Michelito Loveless Junior. 600 00:50:06,783 --> 00:50:08,375 Hmm. 601 00:50:08,517 --> 00:50:10,508 [HUMS] 602 00:50:16,658 --> 00:50:18,649 How long have we been here? 603 00:50:18,794 --> 00:50:21,286 I don't know. Too long. 604 00:50:21,430 --> 00:50:23,899 Why do you suppose they haven't put any pressure on us until now? 605 00:50:24,032 --> 00:50:27,297 They don't have to. We're the ones fighting the deadline. 606 00:50:27,436 --> 00:50:30,029 All Sir David has to do is sit and wait us out. 607 00:50:36,077 --> 00:50:38,045 I'll bet you a thousand to one 608 00:50:38,179 --> 00:50:40,113 Junior doesn't have those bombs planted around. 609 00:50:40,248 --> 00:50:44,081 Listen, it was a billion to one he didn't have one in the first place. 610 00:50:44,518 --> 00:50:46,213 Yeah. 611 00:50:46,953 --> 00:50:51,322 Hey, Artie. Got any idea how to get out of here? 612 00:50:52,325 --> 00:50:54,987 - Well, yeah, but it's a rotten idea. - I'll take it. 613 00:50:55,128 --> 00:50:58,189 All right. Follow my lead. 614 00:51:02,436 --> 00:51:07,101 No, don't! Don't break that! You'll blow up the whole house! 615 00:51:07,240 --> 00:51:09,264 - Don't! - I'm going crazy in this room! 616 00:51:09,408 --> 00:51:12,433 ARTIE: No, don't light that fuse! I think you have gone crazy! 617 00:51:12,577 --> 00:51:16,036 After all those years of working with you, who wouldn't be crazy? 618 00:51:16,181 --> 00:51:17,773 [KEYS RATTLING] 619 00:51:17,915 --> 00:51:19,939 We'll all go up together! 620 00:51:32,161 --> 00:51:34,152 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 621 00:51:37,333 --> 00:51:40,166 You know, for a rotten idea, that worked pretty well. 622 00:52:06,629 --> 00:52:07,619 Don't move, Penelope. 623 00:52:07,763 --> 00:52:10,698 I want to remember you always the way you are now. 624 00:52:10,833 --> 00:52:12,824 Puzzled. 625 00:52:20,643 --> 00:52:23,635 [TRAIN HOOTER BLARES] 626 00:52:35,925 --> 00:52:37,916 Are we gonna make it back in time? 627 00:52:38,794 --> 00:52:40,522 Barring train wrecks and more Penelopes, 628 00:52:40,662 --> 00:52:42,653 but it's still gonna be close, Artie. 629 00:52:43,431 --> 00:52:47,368 Oh, so this is how that little noise-suppresser works, huh? 630 00:52:47,502 --> 00:52:50,301 It's just a simple little gas chamber. 631 00:52:50,438 --> 00:52:53,407 I could make us each one exactly like this. 632 00:52:53,541 --> 00:52:55,475 What did you write in the letter to Skinny? 633 00:52:55,609 --> 00:52:58,772 Oh, ljust told him about the unfriendly attitude to the British, 634 00:52:58,913 --> 00:53:01,041 and I sent our love to Hugo, 635 00:53:01,181 --> 00:53:04,913 and I told him how sorry we were that we couldn't find the time to say goodbye. 636 00:53:05,052 --> 00:53:07,953 They couldn't find the time to say goodbye? 637 00:53:10,357 --> 00:53:13,054 And what were they doing fooling around with the British anyway? 638 00:53:13,193 --> 00:53:14,957 I not only think they're drinking too much. 639 00:53:15,095 --> 00:53:17,189 I think they're getting senile. 640 00:53:17,331 --> 00:53:19,891 I told you we should put a guard on that train. 641 00:53:20,034 --> 00:53:21,729 Excuse me, Uncle Bob, sir. 642 00:53:21,869 --> 00:53:25,601 I believe it was I that told you that we should put a guard on that train. 643 00:53:29,510 --> 00:53:31,807 Hugo, you're going west. 644 00:53:32,812 --> 00:53:36,180 - West, sir? - Far, far west. 645 00:53:36,316 --> 00:53:40,412 About as far west as it's possible to go and still remain in the United States. 646 00:53:40,553 --> 00:53:43,954 - Wagon Gap, Arizona. - And what will I be doing there, sir? 647 00:53:44,089 --> 00:53:47,024 Find West and Gordon without their knowing it, 648 00:53:47,159 --> 00:53:50,094 keep them under constant surveillance without their knowing it, 649 00:53:50,228 --> 00:53:53,357 and report their activities to me every day by telegraph. 650 00:53:53,498 --> 00:53:56,832 And what ifthere's no telegraph office in Wagon Gap? 651 00:53:58,303 --> 00:54:00,896 - Open one. - Yes, sir. 652 00:54:01,038 --> 00:54:03,234 And may I add, sir, that not only am I ready 653 00:54:03,374 --> 00:54:05,274 for an assignment of such importance, 654 00:54:05,409 --> 00:54:08,640 but I know you'll all agree it's long overdue. 655 00:54:08,779 --> 00:54:11,180 I'll start preparing for my trip immediately, sir. 656 00:54:11,315 --> 00:54:13,306 - Hugo. - Yes, sir? 657 00:54:13,451 --> 00:54:15,612 If after your assignment is finished 658 00:54:15,752 --> 00:54:19,745 you should feel you'd like to remain in the west and seek your fortune, 659 00:54:19,888 --> 00:54:24,155 your aunt and I will somehow manage to console ourselves. 660 00:54:25,194 --> 00:54:27,355 No need to worry about that, Uncle Bob. 661 00:54:27,495 --> 00:54:31,625 The secret service is my life and always will be. 662 00:54:33,433 --> 00:54:34,832 BOTH: Creep. 663 00:54:51,652 --> 00:54:54,280 We should be in Wagon Gap in about an hour, Artie. 664 00:54:54,421 --> 00:54:55,785 You go ahead of me by 15 minutes. 665 00:54:55,921 --> 00:54:58,322 That's probably all the leeway we'll have. 666 00:54:58,457 --> 00:55:01,620 And don't worry. You look fine. 667 00:55:01,761 --> 00:55:03,593 I don't know about this whole thing. 668 00:55:03,729 --> 00:55:05,356 What am I supposed to do in that saloon? 669 00:55:05,498 --> 00:55:08,058 Oh, just mingle with the other girls, 670 00:55:08,200 --> 00:55:11,101 get the men to talk to you, buy you a few drinks and keep your ears open. 671 00:55:11,237 --> 00:55:12,705 Never know what you're gonna hear. 672 00:55:12,838 --> 00:55:15,466 That's your idea of clever undercover work, huh? 673 00:55:16,842 --> 00:55:19,038 Oh, I... I know it's not much of a plan, 674 00:55:19,178 --> 00:55:21,875 but it'd be silly for the two of us to walk into that saloon 675 00:55:22,014 --> 00:55:23,709 and put our necks into Junior's noose. 676 00:55:23,849 --> 00:55:27,046 And you don't think they're gonna recognize me in this, huh? 677 00:55:27,186 --> 00:55:30,178 Well, how could they? I don't recognize you myself. 678 00:55:31,657 --> 00:55:33,648 [CHUCKLES] 679 00:55:39,165 --> 00:55:41,156 [TRAIN HOOTER BLARES] 680 00:55:45,004 --> 00:55:46,596 The thing I don't like about all this 681 00:55:46,738 --> 00:55:50,402 is we have to sit around and wait for Junior to act, then we just react. 682 00:55:50,542 --> 00:55:52,909 We ought to be in more control of the situation. 683 00:55:57,115 --> 00:55:58,514 [CRASHING] 684 00:56:05,256 --> 00:56:08,487 [SPEAKS RUSSIAN] 685 00:56:09,461 --> 00:56:11,225 - What'd he say? - I don't know. 686 00:56:11,362 --> 00:56:12,726 I don't understand the language. 687 00:56:18,102 --> 00:56:19,900 That I understand. 688 00:56:20,037 --> 00:56:21,903 Ladies first. 689 00:56:26,710 --> 00:56:30,613 Mr. West? Good evening, Mr. Gordon. You're looking lovely. 690 00:56:30,748 --> 00:56:34,581 Oh, this dress. Well, I don't usually... 691 00:56:34,717 --> 00:56:36,276 No need to explain. 692 00:56:36,419 --> 00:56:39,980 We've found many of your American customs to be rather bizarre. 693 00:56:40,123 --> 00:56:43,616 But I haven't introduced myself. I am Nadia Winogradov. 694 00:56:43,760 --> 00:56:47,161 - Russian Intelligence. - You might say that. 695 00:56:47,295 --> 00:56:49,389 That just leaves Spain to be heard from. 696 00:56:49,531 --> 00:56:50,965 Yeah. 697 00:56:51,099 --> 00:56:53,692 I don't think the Spanish are even aware of what has happened yet. 698 00:56:53,834 --> 00:56:56,201 Oh? Has something happened, Nadia? 699 00:56:56,337 --> 00:56:59,796 Don't play games with me, Mr. Gordon. 700 00:56:59,940 --> 00:57:04,173 Several days ago you delivered a letter to the Russian embassy 701 00:57:04,311 --> 00:57:09,909 which is either the most remarkable forgery we have ever seen or... 702 00:57:10,417 --> 00:57:12,784 well, I don't even want to think about it. 703 00:57:13,988 --> 00:57:16,548 Oh, don't worry, Mr. West. We shan't keep you long. 704 00:57:16,690 --> 00:57:20,490 We know you have appointment at the Mint Saloon in Wagon Gap at 12. 705 00:57:20,628 --> 00:57:23,962 Then why'd you stop our train? It seems to me you know everything. 706 00:57:24,098 --> 00:57:26,567 Not everything, Mr. West. 707 00:57:27,601 --> 00:57:32,801 That Russian citizen in Dr. Loveless's custody, whoever he is, 708 00:57:32,940 --> 00:57:36,740 is of vital concern to the Russian government. 709 00:57:36,877 --> 00:57:41,781 If anything should happen to him while he's in your country, 710 00:57:41,916 --> 00:57:45,875 well, I doubt if America is ready for war with Russia yet. 711 00:57:46,020 --> 00:57:47,784 War? What war? 712 00:57:47,922 --> 00:57:50,619 You're talking to a couple of lowly, menial agents, that's all. 713 00:57:50,758 --> 00:57:54,319 We don't deal in wars. Our president handles all our wars. 714 00:57:54,461 --> 00:57:59,160 Which president, Mr. Gordon? The one in Washington? 715 00:57:59,300 --> 00:58:01,893 Or the one in Dr. Loveless's dungeon? 716 00:58:06,639 --> 00:58:08,800 And another thing. 717 00:58:08,941 --> 00:58:11,842 We understand that you've witnessed an explosion 718 00:58:11,977 --> 00:58:14,537 ofthe bomb that Dr. Loveless is threatening us with. 719 00:58:14,680 --> 00:58:17,547 Is it anything that we should worry about? 720 00:58:17,683 --> 00:58:19,674 Worry. 721 00:58:27,593 --> 00:58:29,493 You know, it doesn't seem to me that in the old days 722 00:58:29,628 --> 00:58:32,529 we had so many foreigners interfering with everything we did. 723 00:58:32,664 --> 00:58:35,257 In the good old days we didn't run around in circles so much either. 724 00:58:35,399 --> 00:58:37,127 You realize we haven't done one thing right? 725 00:58:37,267 --> 00:58:39,395 You know, there's something wrong with that dress. 726 00:58:39,536 --> 00:58:41,971 It would stick out like a sore thumb in a dance hall. 727 00:58:42,105 --> 00:58:46,474 Needs to be more... more offthe shoulder, more decollete. 728 00:58:46,610 --> 00:58:48,634 Decollete? What are you talking about? 729 00:58:48,777 --> 00:58:51,802 - Well, if you got it, show it. - I don't have it! 730 00:58:51,946 --> 00:58:56,213 - Show it anyway. - Jim, that's the only dress I got. 731 00:58:56,351 --> 00:58:58,581 Why don't you... 732 00:59:01,189 --> 00:59:03,213 ...make something out ofthis? 733 00:59:03,357 --> 00:59:07,624 When you walk into that Mint Saloon, I want you to be popular, sought after. 734 00:59:09,062 --> 00:59:10,530 Crazy. 735 00:59:33,520 --> 00:59:35,544 Mr. West! 736 00:59:35,688 --> 00:59:37,679 We meet again. 737 00:59:38,424 --> 00:59:41,155 Not tonight, son. I don't have time for you tonight. 738 00:59:41,294 --> 00:59:45,458 I'm gonna count to four, and on the count of four... 739 00:59:45,598 --> 00:59:49,034 You can count to 4,000 if you want to, but not tonight. 740 00:59:57,643 --> 01:00:00,044 Are you gonna leave my guns with the bartender again? 741 01:00:00,179 --> 01:00:03,376 No. I'm through being nice to you. 742 01:00:10,957 --> 01:00:13,585 One for you. One for you. 743 01:00:14,961 --> 01:00:16,952 Let me have whiskey. 744 01:00:17,763 --> 01:00:19,754 You bet. 745 01:00:23,869 --> 01:00:25,860 After you. 746 01:01:12,518 --> 01:01:15,180 [LIVELY CAN-CAN MUSIC] 747 01:01:38,611 --> 01:01:40,010 Don't say anything. 748 01:01:40,146 --> 01:01:42,137 I know what you're thinking, but you can trust me. 749 01:01:42,281 --> 01:01:44,477 I'm nothing like my brother. 750 01:01:44,617 --> 01:01:45,948 Different mothers. 751 01:01:46,085 --> 01:01:48,850 Well, yes, but not just that. Other things. 752 01:01:48,988 --> 01:01:51,218 I don't think the same way he does. 753 01:01:52,590 --> 01:01:56,185 In fact, I think that he is a little crazy. 754 01:01:56,327 --> 01:01:57,691 Do you? 755 01:01:57,828 --> 01:01:59,762 A man who's out to conquer the entire world 756 01:01:59,897 --> 01:02:02,264 and you think he's a little crazy? 757 01:02:02,399 --> 01:02:05,300 - [LAUGHS] - I can tell you don't trust me, Jim. 758 01:02:06,370 --> 01:02:10,830 Now, what can I do to prove that I am sincere? 759 01:02:12,609 --> 01:02:15,306 There's a couple ofthings that come to mind. 760 01:02:15,446 --> 01:02:17,437 Well, I'm all for that. 761 01:02:25,756 --> 01:02:27,747 That's pretty convincing. 762 01:02:29,659 --> 01:02:33,391 - What do you want? - I want you to stop my brother. 763 01:02:34,430 --> 01:02:37,661 - I want you to let me help you. - Why? 764 01:02:37,800 --> 01:02:39,734 Because I am terrified of him. 765 01:02:39,869 --> 01:02:42,838 You do not know the lengths he's willing to go. 766 01:02:42,971 --> 01:02:45,406 And he'd sacrifice me as fast as anyone. 767 01:02:46,708 --> 01:02:48,335 Now, are you convinced? 768 01:02:49,678 --> 01:02:50,736 It's getting better. 769 01:02:51,646 --> 01:02:53,637 Well, let me help you. 770 01:02:58,987 --> 01:03:02,980 Where's the eastern city where he has the bomb planted? 771 01:03:03,757 --> 01:03:05,748 Oh, who cares? 772 01:03:07,027 --> 01:03:09,428 - Carmelita. - Hmm? 773 01:03:09,563 --> 01:03:11,554 Carmelita. 774 01:03:13,901 --> 01:03:16,370 All right, it's Washington, DC. 775 01:03:16,504 --> 01:03:18,598 Next time you see your brother, 776 01:03:18,739 --> 01:03:21,731 you tell him that the entire armies of the United States, 777 01:03:21,876 --> 01:03:24,037 England, Spain and Russia 778 01:03:24,177 --> 01:03:26,236 are getting prepared to march against him. 779 01:03:26,379 --> 01:03:28,676 It's not gonna make any difference, Jim. 780 01:03:28,814 --> 01:03:32,045 He's got one ofthose horrible bombs of his planted in the dungeon, 781 01:03:32,184 --> 01:03:33,242 and he would just as soon 782 01:03:33,385 --> 01:03:38,118 blow up everything and everyone for miles around than be captured. 783 01:03:38,257 --> 01:03:40,692 Oh, my God, I'm gonna be one ofthem. 784 01:03:40,826 --> 01:03:44,023 Jim, you have to trust me. 785 01:03:46,331 --> 01:03:48,425 Please. 786 01:03:53,804 --> 01:03:55,431 Oh! 787 01:03:56,440 --> 01:03:58,431 lthink I love you. 788 01:04:36,547 --> 01:04:38,675 Oh, what a night! 789 01:04:39,917 --> 01:04:42,978 Well, I guess I never had such a good time in my whole life. 790 01:04:43,120 --> 01:04:47,887 Dancing, champagne flowing, men fighting over me. 791 01:04:48,025 --> 01:04:50,289 Oh, I never knew girls had so much fun. 792 01:04:50,428 --> 01:04:53,489 And that Gabrielle, well, she and I got along so famously, 793 01:04:53,631 --> 01:04:56,396 she wants to take a room with me, be my roomie. 794 01:04:59,269 --> 01:05:01,601 Well, a lot ofthe girls room together. 795 01:05:01,738 --> 01:05:04,105 Seemed like a great idea to me at the time. 796 01:05:04,241 --> 01:05:06,834 By the way, don't trust Gabrielle. 797 01:05:06,976 --> 01:05:09,707 - Why not? - She works for Junior. 798 01:05:09,845 --> 01:05:10,903 How do you know? 799 01:05:11,046 --> 01:05:12,912 Everybody in Wagon Gap works for Junior. 800 01:05:13,048 --> 01:05:14,607 It's a company town. 801 01:05:14,750 --> 01:05:16,616 What are you doing? What's that? 802 01:05:16,752 --> 01:05:21,019 This is just possibly the stronghold where Junior entertained us. 803 01:05:21,156 --> 01:05:22,146 We were here. 804 01:05:22,291 --> 01:05:26,785 After I left the saloon, I took a walk with Carmelita, Junior's sister. 805 01:05:26,929 --> 01:05:29,796 She said she wanted to come over to our side. 806 01:05:29,932 --> 01:05:32,060 She told me some things I didn't know before. 807 01:05:32,201 --> 01:05:33,725 And you trust her? 808 01:05:33,868 --> 01:05:36,394 - Completely. - Mm-hm. 809 01:05:36,537 --> 01:05:37,527 [BOTH LAUGH] 810 01:05:45,480 --> 01:05:47,812 JIM: That's the only place she could have gone. 811 01:05:47,949 --> 01:05:51,613 - What if we find her? - She might be telling the truth. 812 01:05:51,753 --> 01:05:55,087 Junior is something to be afraid of, even if you are his sister. 813 01:06:05,066 --> 01:06:07,057 Let me have a look at the lock. 814 01:06:58,720 --> 01:07:01,883 It's all right, Penelope. It's only Mr. West and Mr. Gordon. 815 01:07:02,023 --> 01:07:05,015 Do you know, my information was you chaps left town two hours ago. 816 01:07:05,159 --> 01:07:07,560 Well, your information's wrong. We never left town. 817 01:07:07,695 --> 01:07:12,326 My information was that you were taken in by another pretty face, Mr. West, 818 01:07:12,467 --> 01:07:14,162 a very pretty face. 819 01:07:14,302 --> 01:07:16,566 Oh, do you have Carmelita? 820 01:07:16,704 --> 01:07:19,696 No, Miss Loveless rode out of town in a southwesterly direction. 821 01:07:19,841 --> 01:07:23,072 Unfortunately our man lost her in the dark shortly after that. 822 01:07:24,011 --> 01:07:25,979 - Have you seen the Russians yet? - Mmm. 823 01:07:26,114 --> 01:07:27,774 Very clumsy bunch, the Russians. 824 01:07:27,914 --> 01:07:31,009 They could get us all killed if we're not careful. 825 01:07:31,151 --> 01:07:34,120 - Well, gentlemen, ifthat's all... - No, it isn't. 826 01:07:34,253 --> 01:07:36,620 - How'd you find this place? - This? 827 01:07:36,756 --> 01:07:39,623 This is the flat Michelito Loveless uses when he's in Wagon Gap. 828 01:07:39,759 --> 01:07:42,352 We've had it under surveillance for some time now. 829 01:07:48,967 --> 01:07:51,959 Gentlemen... it's quite all right 830 01:07:52,103 --> 01:07:54,538 if you want to putter around the fringes of our investigation, 831 01:07:54,672 --> 01:07:56,606 but do try not to get in our way, won't you? 832 01:07:57,342 --> 01:07:59,333 PENELOPE: Don't move, Mr. Gordon. 833 01:07:59,477 --> 01:08:04,176 I want to remember you always the way you are right now. 834 01:08:04,315 --> 01:08:06,443 Speechless. 835 01:08:06,584 --> 01:08:08,881 I think we're losing. Let's get out of here. 836 01:08:13,157 --> 01:08:14,989 They're not bad. 837 01:08:15,125 --> 01:08:17,286 Yeah, well, that Captain Sir David Edney 838 01:08:17,427 --> 01:08:19,953 tops the list of guys I'd like to meet in a dark alley some night. 839 01:08:20,096 --> 01:08:23,623 I wouldn't mind meeting Penelope under those circumstances, I can tell you. 840 01:08:23,766 --> 01:08:25,393 - [CHUCKLES] - What do you wanna do? 841 01:08:25,535 --> 01:08:28,061 You wanna go after Junior or wait for him to get in touch with us? 842 01:08:28,204 --> 01:08:30,605 - Let's go after him. - How? 843 01:08:31,541 --> 01:08:33,532 Catch up with Carmelita. 844 01:09:00,937 --> 01:09:03,530 She could have backtracked on us, you know. 845 01:09:03,672 --> 01:09:06,004 We could be riding right into a trap. 846 01:09:06,775 --> 01:09:08,743 Junior is out there somewhere. 847 01:09:08,877 --> 01:09:12,814 And you can't go back to your career and I can't go back to my comforts 848 01:09:12,948 --> 01:09:15,042 till we find that little monster. 849 01:09:27,662 --> 01:09:30,154 Send a message to my brother that Mr. Gordon and Mr. West 850 01:09:30,298 --> 01:09:33,632 will be arriving not by train but by horseback. 851 01:09:36,071 --> 01:09:37,869 You. 852 01:09:38,006 --> 01:09:39,770 You should be able to capture them real easily 853 01:09:39,908 --> 01:09:42,400 when they come through that ravine down there. 854 01:09:45,413 --> 01:09:47,211 Wait a minute. 855 01:10:08,003 --> 01:10:10,131 Signal my brother to send in some more men. 856 01:10:10,272 --> 01:10:12,969 Looks like we have more company than we expected. 857 01:10:14,743 --> 01:10:19,112 Ah, Jim, if only you can live long enough to know how sorry I am. 858 01:11:04,793 --> 01:11:06,852 Gentlemen, I am happy to announce 859 01:11:06,995 --> 01:11:11,057 that your warm and cozy graves are open and awaiting your occupancy. 860 01:11:12,167 --> 01:11:16,934 Junior, you can kill us, and I'm sure you will, 861 01:11:17,072 --> 01:11:20,235 but it won't get you one step closer to where you wanna be. 862 01:11:20,375 --> 01:11:22,469 No, but it's gonna make me feel so much better, 863 01:11:22,611 --> 01:11:25,911 and my father, wherever he is, rest easier, 864 01:11:26,047 --> 01:11:28,607 knowing that his death has been avenged by me. 865 01:11:28,750 --> 01:11:30,911 You know, frankly, gentlemen, you disappointed me. 866 01:11:31,051 --> 01:11:34,020 I thought you'd do more with the few extra days to live I've given you. 867 01:11:34,153 --> 01:11:37,919 What did you expect? The major powers of the world to roll over and play dead? 868 01:11:38,057 --> 01:11:40,185 All because of threats from some little pipsqueak? 869 01:11:40,326 --> 01:11:44,058 Pipsqueak? Pipsqueak?! 870 01:11:44,197 --> 01:11:45,824 Which one ofthem called me a pipsqueak? 871 01:11:45,965 --> 01:11:47,933 All of them. 872 01:11:48,067 --> 01:11:51,526 Well, I have their monarchs and heads of states in custody. 873 01:11:51,671 --> 01:11:53,832 I can wipe out any city with a wave of my hand. 874 01:11:53,972 --> 01:11:55,872 Does that sound like the work of a pipsqueak? 875 01:11:56,008 --> 01:12:00,878 Well, it sounds like the work of a sort of powerful pipsqueak, yeah. 876 01:12:01,013 --> 01:12:02,447 [GRUNTS] 877 01:12:02,581 --> 01:12:04,982 And still they refuse my offer for unconditional surrender. 878 01:12:05,117 --> 01:12:06,481 Well, they'll pay. 879 01:12:06,617 --> 01:12:08,345 They'll pay with the lives of their monarchs 880 01:12:08,485 --> 01:12:11,045 and their ordinary citizens by the millions. 881 01:12:11,187 --> 01:12:13,451 But first things first. 882 01:12:13,590 --> 01:12:17,618 And, Mr. West, Mr. Gordon, that would be you. 883 01:12:17,761 --> 01:12:19,489 I was afraid we'd be way down on the list. 884 01:12:19,628 --> 01:12:20,618 I was hoping. 885 01:12:20,763 --> 01:12:23,562 You know, I've thought of countless ingenious ways of disposing of you, 886 01:12:23,699 --> 01:12:27,897 sending you on your way into the ethereal, but I can't decide on one. 887 01:12:28,037 --> 01:12:30,061 You mean, we get a... a say in the matter? 888 01:12:30,204 --> 01:12:31,296 You might be able to help. 889 01:12:31,439 --> 01:12:34,204 You know, taxidermy, I've always wanted to take up taxidermy. 890 01:12:34,342 --> 01:12:37,277 The two of you might look beautiful mounted in my trophy room. 891 01:12:37,412 --> 01:12:38,572 [CHUCKLES] 892 01:12:38,712 --> 01:12:43,081 Well, we'll decide that later, but it's fun to think about, you know? 893 01:12:43,216 --> 01:12:47,278 Alan, put them in the cage with Grover Cleveland, our president. 894 01:12:48,221 --> 01:12:49,780 Uh, uh... 895 01:12:49,923 --> 01:12:52,449 First I'd like a word with Mr. West alone. 896 01:12:53,860 --> 01:12:55,828 No sentimentality? 897 01:12:55,962 --> 01:12:58,488 - No sentimentality. - [GRUNTS] 898 01:13:11,745 --> 01:13:13,736 JUNIOR: No sentimentality. 899 01:13:15,248 --> 01:13:19,048 Oh, Jim, I am in love with you. 900 01:13:20,287 --> 01:13:23,018 Well, at least I was when I was with you alone. 901 01:13:23,156 --> 01:13:25,818 But when you're not around, somehow I... 902 01:13:26,660 --> 01:13:28,184 Well, blood must be thicker than water. 903 01:13:28,327 --> 01:13:31,194 Carmelita, you may have been lying to me last night, 904 01:13:31,330 --> 01:13:34,766 but there was a lot of truth in some ofthe things you said. 905 01:13:34,900 --> 01:13:36,299 There was? 906 01:13:36,435 --> 01:13:41,532 He would sacrifice you, and you do have reason to be afraid. 907 01:13:41,674 --> 01:13:45,440 Now, after we're gone, you don't have a friend in the world. 908 01:13:45,578 --> 01:13:48,206 I can't listen to this. 909 01:13:48,914 --> 01:13:52,544 Carmelita, this may be your last chance. 910 01:13:53,852 --> 01:13:56,913 Well, it's yours for sure. 911 01:13:57,055 --> 01:13:59,717 Alan! Bye. 912 01:14:02,160 --> 01:14:04,492 Something bothering you, Mr. West? 913 01:14:05,730 --> 01:14:07,721 You keep your hands off of me. 914 01:14:08,500 --> 01:14:10,696 - Or what, Mr. West? - Not now, Jim. 915 01:14:22,914 --> 01:14:27,112 Any time, Mr. West. Any time at all. 916 01:14:37,729 --> 01:14:40,357 Mr. President, my name is James West 917 01:14:40,498 --> 01:14:42,830 and this is Artemus Gordon. We're with the secret service. 918 01:14:42,967 --> 01:14:44,662 Aren't you the people that are supposed to see 919 01:14:44,803 --> 01:14:47,363 nothing like this ever happens to the president ofthe United States? 920 01:14:47,505 --> 01:14:51,305 Yes, sir. That's quite right. That's why we're here. 921 01:14:51,442 --> 01:14:53,102 We're gonna try and remedy that situation. 922 01:14:53,243 --> 01:14:55,302 Be interested to see how, 923 01:14:55,445 --> 01:14:58,608 particularly since you seem to be in as bad a predicament as I am. 924 01:14:58,749 --> 01:15:01,946 Well, I can certainly see where it might look that way. 925 01:15:08,091 --> 01:15:10,492 Don't do that again, young lady. 926 01:15:10,627 --> 01:15:13,494 It is against every instinct I possess to strike a woman, 927 01:15:13,630 --> 01:15:15,791 but I must warn you... 928 01:15:20,802 --> 01:15:22,793 Yes. 929 01:15:27,475 --> 01:15:29,466 It's all right. 930 01:15:31,313 --> 01:15:34,874 I hope you realize how unfeminine this sort of behavior is. 931 01:15:35,950 --> 01:15:38,282 Ah, Your Majesty. 932 01:15:38,419 --> 01:15:42,947 - Your Majesty. - Get up, man. Don't be ridiculous. 933 01:15:43,090 --> 01:15:45,081 Who are you people? 934 01:15:45,226 --> 01:15:47,523 Captain Sir David Edney, British Intelligence, ma'am, 935 01:15:47,660 --> 01:15:50,391 and this is my assistant, Miss Penelope Devery. 936 01:15:50,530 --> 01:15:54,262 Has anyone in England even noticed that I'm no longer sitting on the throne? 937 01:15:54,400 --> 01:15:58,564 No, ma'am. Fortunately we've been able to keep that secret so far. 938 01:15:58,705 --> 01:16:00,173 A secret? 939 01:16:00,306 --> 01:16:03,742 Well, ma'am, the other Victoria looks so much like you 940 01:16:03,877 --> 01:16:05,936 and talks so much like you. 941 01:16:06,079 --> 01:16:07,945 The other Victoria? 942 01:16:08,081 --> 01:16:12,018 In fact, we weren't altogether sure ourselves that she isn't you. 943 01:16:12,151 --> 01:16:15,086 Well, she isn't, I can assure you. 944 01:16:15,221 --> 01:16:18,953 Well, I suppose if anyone would know that, Your Majesty, you would. 945 01:16:19,092 --> 01:16:21,116 - Captain Edney. - Yes, ma'am. 946 01:16:21,260 --> 01:16:24,957 Get me out of here. That's an order. 947 01:16:25,096 --> 01:16:27,120 No need to concern yourself, Your Majesty. 948 01:16:27,264 --> 01:16:29,528 I have already begun to put my mind to it. 949 01:16:33,870 --> 01:16:36,271 Who was that girl who brought us in? 950 01:16:36,406 --> 01:16:38,875 Girl? Oh, that girl. 951 01:16:39,009 --> 01:16:42,104 Well, she's just an ordinary, everyday, run-of-the-mill American girl. 952 01:16:42,245 --> 01:16:45,214 Just another pretty face, you might say. 953 01:16:45,347 --> 01:16:48,316 Do you mean to say that all American girls are that strong? 954 01:16:48,449 --> 01:16:50,645 Strong? You thought she was strong? 955 01:16:52,287 --> 01:16:54,221 She didn't even look particularly healthy to me. 956 01:16:54,355 --> 01:16:56,346 EDNEY: Oh. 957 01:16:56,491 --> 01:16:57,754 [CLEARS THROAT] 958 01:16:57,892 --> 01:17:00,259 What are your plans for getting out of here? 959 01:17:00,395 --> 01:17:05,458 Well, David, we've been going over the whole situation, and we've decided... 960 01:17:08,035 --> 01:17:10,026 Yes? 961 01:17:11,004 --> 01:17:13,336 ...there isn't any way out of here. 962 01:17:58,485 --> 01:18:00,977 [SNORES] 963 01:18:01,121 --> 01:18:02,611 Artie. 964 01:18:03,857 --> 01:18:06,018 Let's get to work, huh? 965 01:18:06,158 --> 01:18:07,557 Keep an eye on 'em. 966 01:18:07,693 --> 01:18:09,684 Same two guards, both asleep. 967 01:18:16,769 --> 01:18:18,497 We're all right. 968 01:18:21,473 --> 01:18:22,440 [CLICKS] 969 01:18:26,244 --> 01:18:28,235 I'll pass it to Edney. 970 01:18:30,215 --> 01:18:32,512 - Know how to use one ofthese? - Of course. 971 01:18:34,118 --> 01:18:36,415 Cooperate? 972 01:18:36,552 --> 01:18:38,543 Ag reed. 973 01:18:55,138 --> 01:18:56,628 Shh. 974 01:19:20,329 --> 01:19:21,524 Let 'em out, Artie. 975 01:19:25,535 --> 01:19:26,661 Her Majesty must go first. 976 01:19:26,803 --> 01:19:28,999 No one takes precedence over the queen of England. 977 01:19:29,138 --> 01:19:30,196 This is the United States 978 01:19:30,339 --> 01:19:32,433 and the president takes precedence in the United States. 979 01:19:32,575 --> 01:19:36,170 It is unthinkable that the czar of all the Russia 980 01:19:36,312 --> 01:19:37,575 should be preceded by anyone. 981 01:19:37,713 --> 01:19:39,943 I'm terribly sorry. This is not a negotiable point. 982 01:19:40,083 --> 01:19:43,916 [ALL ARGUE] 983 01:19:44,352 --> 01:19:46,411 Shut up! 984 01:19:47,255 --> 01:19:49,485 I don't have time for all ofthis. 985 01:19:49,624 --> 01:19:53,457 Now, all you kings, queens, presidents and followers, shut up! 986 01:19:53,594 --> 01:19:54,958 - Que’ dice? - Shut up. 987 01:19:55,095 --> 01:19:56,085 Shut up? 988 01:19:56,229 --> 01:20:00,222 Now, I don't know if we have two minutes or two seconds 989 01:20:00,365 --> 01:20:02,265 or if we're already too late. 990 01:20:03,669 --> 01:20:06,730 - [SPEAKS SPANISH] - [SPEAK RUSSIAN] 991 01:20:06,872 --> 01:20:11,810 But we have reason to believe that there is a bomb hidden in this dungeon, 992 01:20:11,944 --> 01:20:13,878 a horrible bomb. 993 01:20:14,012 --> 01:20:15,446 - Que’ dice? - Hay una bomba. 994 01:20:15,581 --> 01:20:17,605 - Bomb, bomb, bomb. - Una bomba? 995 01:20:17,748 --> 01:20:22,549 And I want all you kings and all you queens and all you followers 996 01:20:22,687 --> 01:20:24,246 to look for that bomb! 997 01:20:24,388 --> 01:20:26,857 - Que’ es lo que pasa? - Es necesario buscar. 998 01:20:26,991 --> 01:20:30,586 Oh, la bomba. Bueno, bueno. Vamos a ver lo que esta pasando. 999 01:20:37,368 --> 01:20:39,359 Nada. 1000 01:20:51,115 --> 01:20:53,447 There's nothing in there, no, and I don't quite... 1001 01:20:53,584 --> 01:20:56,485 Excuse me, Your Majesty. I beg your pardon, ma'am. Yes. 1002 01:21:37,227 --> 01:21:39,787 [FA/N T BEEP/NG] 1003 01:21:45,001 --> 01:21:46,901 Artemus, could this be it? 1004 01:21:47,037 --> 01:21:49,802 Could be. Jim? 1005 01:21:54,144 --> 01:21:57,739 - What is that? - It's our passport out of here. 1006 01:21:57,881 --> 01:21:59,371 Easy. 1007 01:22:01,484 --> 01:22:03,475 Easy. 1008 01:22:10,660 --> 01:22:12,651 Let's go. 1009 01:22:38,088 --> 01:22:40,249 Hitch up the horses. Go. 1010 01:22:40,389 --> 01:22:41,481 Come on, come on. 1011 01:22:41,624 --> 01:22:46,186 Mr. President and Your Majesties, in the wagons. 1012 01:22:46,328 --> 01:22:49,263 You can't seriously ask Her Majesty to ride in a thing like that. 1013 01:22:49,398 --> 01:22:52,299 Captain Edney, you are a blithering idiot. 1014 01:22:53,535 --> 01:22:54,525 Yes, ma'am. 1015 01:22:55,904 --> 01:22:57,770 Are you sure? 1016 01:22:57,906 --> 01:23:00,034 I'll have the horses waiting out by the well. 1017 01:23:01,142 --> 01:23:03,110 If we're not there in a little while, you go on. 1018 01:23:04,212 --> 01:23:05,576 You'll be there. 1019 01:23:05,712 --> 01:23:07,976 Get those people as far away from here as soon as possible 1020 01:23:08,115 --> 01:23:09,947 in case this thing goes off. 1021 01:23:10,083 --> 01:23:13,075 - We'll try and hold 'em back. - Good luck, old chap. 1022 01:23:13,220 --> 01:23:16,281 - Some other time. - Ah, yes, of course. Right you are. 1023 01:23:16,423 --> 01:23:17,891 - I'll be waiting. - Waiting? 1024 01:23:18,025 --> 01:23:20,687 I'll explain later. All right, let's go. 1025 01:23:24,898 --> 01:23:26,161 Hyah! 1026 01:24:08,942 --> 01:24:11,309 That won't work with me, Mr. West. 1027 01:24:11,445 --> 01:24:13,742 You're gonna have to fight your way past me. 1028 01:24:53,052 --> 01:24:55,213 And what's the matter with you? 1029 01:24:56,087 --> 01:24:58,181 - He broke me. - [RATTLING] 1030 01:24:58,323 --> 01:25:00,347 That's a pretty fiendish thing to do. 1031 01:25:00,491 --> 01:25:02,151 Well, so is this, Junior. 1032 01:25:02,291 --> 01:25:05,386 That bomb is of no use to anyone unless you know how to detonate it. 1033 01:25:05,528 --> 01:25:08,327 - Maybe there's more than one way. - What do you mean? 1034 01:25:08,464 --> 01:25:12,492 Well, we could kick it around the room or throw it against the wall. 1035 01:25:12,635 --> 01:25:14,159 Or bounce it off your head! 1036 01:25:15,337 --> 01:25:18,068 It doesn't work that way. 1037 01:25:18,206 --> 01:25:20,334 Well, let's find out. 1038 01:25:20,475 --> 01:25:22,499 No! 1039 01:25:22,643 --> 01:25:24,907 No, it might malfunction. 1040 01:25:26,814 --> 01:25:28,714 [GRUNTS] 1041 01:25:28,849 --> 01:25:32,546 All right. What do you want? 1042 01:25:32,685 --> 01:25:36,212 Your prisoners have already escaped. We don't want you to go after them. 1043 01:25:36,356 --> 01:25:38,620 ARTIE: And we're gonna follow them to make sure you don't. 1044 01:25:38,758 --> 01:25:41,420 And once they're safely out of the country, 1045 01:25:41,561 --> 01:25:43,289 we're coming back for you, Junior. 1046 01:25:43,429 --> 01:25:45,557 Ifl could only be sure that you'd come back. 1047 01:25:45,697 --> 01:25:48,564 We'll be back, Junior. You can count on it. 1048 01:25:49,700 --> 01:25:51,464 Jim, take me with you. 1049 01:25:51,602 --> 01:25:52,865 Carmelita! 1050 01:25:53,004 --> 01:25:55,405 Oh, Jim, you have to take me with you, please? 1051 01:25:55,540 --> 01:25:58,202 It doesn't matter if you go or if you stay. 1052 01:25:58,342 --> 01:26:02,074 From this moment in time, you are under a sentence of death. 1053 01:26:02,213 --> 01:26:04,079 He means it, Jim. 1054 01:26:04,215 --> 01:26:06,912 Besides, there's something you don't know. 1055 01:26:13,291 --> 01:26:15,817 Alan, stay! 1056 01:26:15,960 --> 01:26:18,452 My only living blood relative treats me like this? 1057 01:26:18,596 --> 01:26:20,064 - Wait, wait, wait. - No, no, come on. 1058 01:26:20,198 --> 01:26:21,757 No, what you don't understand 1059 01:26:21,899 --> 01:26:24,766 is that he can explode this bomb at incredible distances, 1060 01:26:24,902 --> 01:26:27,234 and I know he's gonna wait until we get far enough away 1061 01:26:27,371 --> 01:26:29,362 and push the button. 1062 01:26:32,944 --> 01:26:34,968 - Oh. - Oh, perfect. 1063 01:26:38,881 --> 01:26:42,647 Your death will be more painful than theirs, Carmelita! 1064 01:26:51,627 --> 01:26:53,527 Goodbye, Michelito! 1065 01:26:53,662 --> 01:26:57,428 [GRUNTS] 1066 01:27:05,474 --> 01:27:07,465 [SNIGGERS] 1067 01:27:08,944 --> 01:27:10,604 Ooh! 1068 01:27:23,057 --> 01:27:24,616 [EXPLOSION] 1069 01:27:24,759 --> 01:27:27,251 [HORSES NEIGH] 1070 01:27:35,703 --> 01:27:39,037 Eight, nine, ten. 1071 01:27:56,724 --> 01:27:58,624 It's the end of Michelito Junior. 1072 01:27:58,760 --> 01:28:00,420 I'm afraid not. 1073 01:28:00,561 --> 01:28:03,394 No one could possibly have lived through that explosion. 1074 01:28:03,530 --> 01:28:04,725 He didn't have to. 1075 01:28:04,865 --> 01:28:08,665 I know of at least five replicas he made of himself last year. 1076 01:28:08,802 --> 01:28:11,999 My guess is he's got one in every major city in the world. 1077 01:28:12,139 --> 01:28:14,107 Does that mean we're gonna have to stay in the service 1078 01:28:14,241 --> 01:28:16,733 until we hunt down every one ofthose dangerous little pipsqueaks? 1079 01:28:16,877 --> 01:28:20,710 Not me. I hired on for one Michelito Junior. 1080 01:28:20,846 --> 01:28:22,610 The rest can belong to anybody that wants 'em. 1081 01:28:22,748 --> 01:28:24,216 Well, I don't. 1082 01:28:24,350 --> 01:28:25,784 You don't understand, Jim. 1083 01:28:25,918 --> 01:28:28,410 I can be of great help to Penelope in her career, 1084 01:28:28,554 --> 01:28:31,615 introduce her to the right managers, help her select the right roles. 1085 01:28:31,757 --> 01:28:33,281 I'm sure she's a very lucky girl, Artie. 1086 01:28:33,425 --> 01:28:35,393 ljust hope she knows how to show her appreciation. 1087 01:28:35,527 --> 01:28:37,859 Come on, Jim. 1088 01:28:37,996 --> 01:28:39,930 Mr. West? 1089 01:28:40,065 --> 01:28:42,056 There's no getting away this time. 1090 01:28:48,373 --> 01:28:50,808 - Give me your gun. - What? 1091 01:28:50,942 --> 01:28:54,970 I said give me your gun. I'm not gonna shoot you. 1092 01:28:56,214 --> 01:28:58,205 I just wanna show you something. 1093 01:29:08,693 --> 01:29:10,217 Quit picking on me. 1094 01:29:21,138 --> 01:29:22,798 Oh, Nadia. 1095 01:29:22,939 --> 01:29:25,840 - Thought you left with the czar. - I've defected to the west. 1096 01:29:26,809 --> 01:29:29,778 Well, I wish you'd told me you were thinking about that. 1097 01:29:29,911 --> 01:29:33,438 I am working at Mint Saloon now, and I am late. 1098 01:29:33,582 --> 01:29:37,348 So goodbye, Mr. West. Goodbye, Mr. Gordon. 1099 01:29:38,552 --> 01:29:40,543 Nadia. 1100 01:29:43,456 --> 01:29:47,359 I'll bet with just a little training, that girl would make a fine actress. 1101 01:29:48,294 --> 01:29:52,060 Maybe I settled on Penelope a little too soon. I mean, that girl's got... 1102 01:29:52,198 --> 01:29:54,690 I never thought I would hear a sordid remark like that 1103 01:29:54,834 --> 01:29:56,632 coming from your mouth, Artemus. 1104 01:29:56,770 --> 01:29:58,498 James. 1105 01:30:05,344 --> 01:30:07,278 Hugo. 1106 01:30:07,413 --> 01:30:09,939 What are you doing here? 1107 01:30:10,082 --> 01:30:12,915 Uncle Skinny sent me out here to keep an eye on you two. 1108 01:30:13,052 --> 01:30:15,680 - But I couldn't find you. - Where were you looking? 1109 01:30:17,256 --> 01:30:20,021 Uh, have you two wound up the case yet? 1110 01:30:20,926 --> 01:30:21,950 It's wound, Hugo. 1111 01:30:22,961 --> 01:30:24,621 Well, I wonder if you could do me a favor. 1112 01:30:24,762 --> 01:30:28,426 In your report to Uncle Skinny, could you include a message from me? 1113 01:30:28,566 --> 01:30:31,763 Tell him that I've decided to take his advice and move out west. 1114 01:30:31,903 --> 01:30:34,031 You'll be sorely missed by the secret service. 1115 01:30:34,172 --> 01:30:36,163 Well, this little filly here 1116 01:30:36,307 --> 01:30:39,072 seems to think I could become a big man in the west. 1117 01:30:39,210 --> 01:30:42,235 It's a depressing thought, but she's probably right. 1118 01:30:42,379 --> 01:30:45,679 - Goodbye, Jim. - Please give my regards to your mother. 1119 01:30:45,816 --> 01:30:48,808 lwill. Goodbye, Artemus. 1120 01:31:05,202 --> 01:31:07,569 - Is the president still aboard? - And a girl. 1121 01:31:09,139 --> 01:31:11,506 - A girl? - Just as far as Kansas City. 1122 01:31:11,641 --> 01:31:13,609 You can drop us both offthere. 1123 01:31:13,744 --> 01:31:14,734 Why not? 1124 01:31:14,878 --> 01:31:17,643 We are going to escort the president safely to Washington. 1125 01:31:17,781 --> 01:31:19,509 Then it's back to Mexico for me, 1126 01:31:19,648 --> 01:31:22,811 and you, dear Artie, anyplace you like, and the girl. 1127 01:31:22,952 --> 01:31:25,148 Fair enough. 1128 01:31:25,287 --> 01:31:29,747 Well... sure was fun, wasn't it? 1129 01:31:29,892 --> 01:31:31,155 I haven't stopped laughing. 1130 01:31:31,293 --> 01:31:32,385 [BOTH LAUGH] 1131 01:31:32,528 --> 01:31:35,623 And we did defeat Michelito Loveless Junior. 1132 01:31:36,465 --> 01:31:39,696 - Or did we? - Of course we did. What do you mean? 1133 01:31:39,835 --> 01:31:43,738 What ifthe real people were on the thrones in the first place 1134 01:31:43,873 --> 01:31:45,773 and those people in the dungeon were replicas? 1135 01:31:45,908 --> 01:31:49,811 Now we are substituting replicas for real people. 1136 01:31:49,945 --> 01:31:52,812 Maybe that's what Junior wanted in the first place, Artie. 1137 01:31:53,582 --> 01:31:55,778 Oh, no, that's ridiculous. 1138 01:31:55,918 --> 01:31:57,646 Artie, excuse me for a minute. 1139 01:31:57,786 --> 01:31:59,117 What...? 1140 01:32:21,409 --> 01:32:23,400 Well, I'm ready. 1141 01:32:24,712 --> 01:32:26,271 You are taking me with you, aren't you? 1142 01:32:27,915 --> 01:32:30,111 - No. - Why not? 1143 01:32:31,084 --> 01:32:32,518 You wouldn't be happy there. 1144 01:32:35,087 --> 01:32:37,021 That's not the real reason, is it? 1145 01:32:38,925 --> 01:32:41,986 Carmelita, you're the loveliest thing I've ever seen... 1146 01:32:42,995 --> 01:32:44,793 ...but I wouldn't trust you an inch and a half. 1147 01:32:44,931 --> 01:32:49,198 - Why not? - You've got confused loyalties. 1148 01:32:50,269 --> 01:32:52,237 With five little Juniors loose in the world, 1149 01:32:52,371 --> 01:32:56,604 I wouldn't know whether to expect a kiss on the cheek or a knife in the back. 1150 01:32:57,677 --> 01:32:59,668 A guy could get killed loving you. 1151 01:33:12,859 --> 01:33:14,850 Bye, Jim. 1152 01:33:25,304 --> 01:33:29,639 Say, James, listen, you... you were kidding about the real people 1153 01:33:29,775 --> 01:33:31,799 being on the throne all along, weren't you? 1154 01:33:31,943 --> 01:33:34,037 Was I? 1155 01:33:34,179 --> 01:33:37,580 Come to think of it, how do I know you're the real Artemus Gordon? 1156 01:33:38,415 --> 01:33:41,043 How do you know I'm the real James West? 1157 01:33:41,185 --> 01:33:44,314 Think about it. Frightening, isn't it? 1158 01:33:51,395 --> 01:33:54,160 All aboard... whoever we are. 1159 01:33:54,298 --> 01:33:56,289 [HOOTER BLARES] 1160 01:34:04,041 --> 01:34:05,475 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 1161 01:34:05,609 --> 01:34:07,668 I'm Robert T "Skinny" Malone IV, 1162 01:34:07,811 --> 01:34:09,870 present-day head of a United States bureau 1163 01:34:10,014 --> 01:34:12,449 so secret I don't even know what it is. 1164 01:34:12,583 --> 01:34:14,175 The show you've seen this evening 1165 01:34:14,317 --> 01:34:16,945 was taken from the ancient files of that bureau. 1166 01:34:17,086 --> 01:34:20,317 It was only when we dug out these files that we realized 1167 01:34:20,456 --> 01:34:23,721 there were still some unanswered questions regarding this case. 1168 01:34:23,860 --> 01:34:28,058 It seems unlikely that Dr. Loveless actually did have atom bombs 1169 01:34:28,197 --> 01:34:32,259 hidden in the cities of Washington, DC, London, Moscow and Madrid, 1170 01:34:32,402 --> 01:34:35,702 or that those bombs could have remained hidden until today. 1171 01:34:35,838 --> 01:34:41,368 However... if you should run across anything that looks like this, 1172 01:34:41,511 --> 01:34:44,446 it might be wise to notify your local sheriff, 1173 01:34:44,580 --> 01:34:48,676 or better yet your United States Secret Service. 1174 01:34:48,818 --> 01:34:51,480 Good night and sleep well. 1175 01:34:57,460 --> 01:34:59,451 [TRAIN HOOTER BLARES] 1176 01:35:00,305 --> 01:35:06,934 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org